Consider Happyness

It becomes increasingly easy to find one's self in a state of depression during the last few weeks of school. Oddly, teachers find this the best time to pile on the work to the point of insanity, causing some students to go off the deep end. One's main task in the last days is counting the minutes and seconds left, however that counting is distracted by mind numbingly stupid activities like worksheets, projects, and these disgusting things representing the lowest point in human existence. This is a breeding ground for insanity. 

However, thanks to the beauty of the world we live in, and easily accesible videos, we can all feel as tho we exist again. Without furthur adieu, or me having to edit HTML for examples, I give you, the top 5 funny videos!

1.

This clip is so hilarious and dare I say maddeningly cute, that it could perhaps end all war. The key to peace is THE LAUGHING BABY!!

2.

An instant classic clip from Monte Python's The Holy Grail

3.

Hilarious audition for American Idol, seriously, what some people do to get on TV...

4.

Do I even have to say anything else but kitten?

5.

  

Baby Porcupine eating a banana and hiccupping, hilarious.

A Boy Dressed In Spalding Clothes

Football has been more than just a sport to me since the day I was born. My father and I rarely talked during the week, but sunday was different. He would sit right next to me on the couch and we would chat about Brett Favre and John Elway. Every pass, every run was picked apart and I loved every moment of it. And that moment when my father would say goodnight to me after 3 hours of monday night football, it became more than just a sport, it was a way of life, it was companionship, it was a catylist for social interaction, it was perfect, it was football.

Monday Morning Playcallers

I listen to A LOT of ESPN radio, and I have noticed a disturbing amount of morons calling into the show and complaining about play calling for any sport, especially football. One time, a jerk called the station and had the audacity to call Andy Reid a bad play caller? Really? Andy Reid is a bad play caller? HE IS 7-0 IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS, he HAS DOMINATED COUNTLESS NFC CHAMPIONSHIPS. He watches film for COUNTLESS HOURS a week while you sit on your couch eating potato chips and watching sports center. Do you really think you have a leg to stand on? Not to mention a whole lot more goes into play calling then you think, bub, It depends on what they are trying to hide, it depends on what strategy, there are so many variables that you have no clue where to start. And play calling isn't like your madden football idiot, you don't have 30 seconds to call a play, you have less than 5, so why don't you take your "incredible" 100-2 madden record and shove your "incredible play calling" up your rear.

Props to Andy Reid for being what I consider the best coach in the league, ring or not.

Neg Rep to the freak who called the HERD

Matt Shaub

I predict this as being his breakout year, I mean lets have a look at this guys stats , He completes 2/3's of his passes, and throws for 3000 yars, that is what I call a good season. His last 2 seasons, where he has actually been the starting quarterback of the Houston Texans, he has improved drastically. His 2007 season-2008, he threw 100 more passes, and threw for 800 more yards. This is incredible improvement, I predict a crazy good year for him. Maybe even leading passer.

Bear in mind, he had been somewhat plauged with injuries over the past few years, but now he is healthy, and he is a weapon to fear.

“All you have to do is look at when he’s been on the field or take his numbers against other people in this league, and that tells you what he’s capable of, He’s capable of being a top-five guy in this league, in my opinion.”- Texans Coach Gary Kubiak.

#1 passer this year people.

Kansas City Queefs

Yes, the Kansas City Chiefs are my favorite team in the league, and yes, I frequently cry myself to sleep at night. Why exactly am I plauged with tears and insomnia? Because my team is flop, terrible, nothing, they have been nothing for the past 4 years, and will remain nothing unless something drastic changes. What exactly is wrong with the team?

1. No coach whatsoever, Herm edwards was a joke, and our new guy will have tons of work to do.

2. No offensive line!, what was that? What is an offensive line???? Cant Larry Johnson just blow through the defenders without blockers??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Larry Johnson is a hack, who only had 2 good season because HIS OFFENSIVE LINE WAS THE BEST IN THE LEAGUE! Now that their studs are retired, He is a hollow shell of a runningback who is just as good as a crap

I will continue on this because I hate Larry Johnson. He is such a prick, all he has done since the day Priest was retired was gloat. OH WOW IM SUCH A GOOD RUNNING BACK!, PAY ME MORE MONEY OR I WONT PLAY!!!!

SORRY FREAK, you are trash.'

Just take a look at his stats , I mean wow, you have 2 great years and then your line leaves. Then you have a 600 yard average per season without them??? Looks like you have a big head moron, I give your 1800 yard season to your line. I cant wait to see you riding the pine.

New swing to my blog!

Since around february this year I have blogged exclusively about politics and like topics, and I think its time for a change. Im going to start blogging about football, and the upcoming season. Are you excited? I am.

NFL Predictions This Year (I know this is early, but im stoked)

Ill make this short and sweet, I have 10 points to make. Lets begin.

1. My Kansas City Chiefs will be the laughing stock of the year right along with the Detroit Lions.

2. Patriots come back hard and strong, Ill predict a 13-3 season for them.

3. LT and Reggie Bush will not rush for more than 1000 yards.

4. The leading passer will be Matt Schaub

5. No matter how much I dislike the Cowboys, I predict a very good season for them, since TO is gonna go bye bye :) 12-4 at least.

6. Ravens wont lose a single in-division game

7. Carolina will lead the league in rushing yards, but will not make the playoffs.

8. Packers will disappoint, they will not break .500.

9. NFC champion------------COWBOYS

10. AFC champs and SUPERBOWL WINNERS!---------------PATRIOTS

Explaining Some Parts of My Previous Post

What I was trying to get at, whether I accomplished it or not, was that Heston was not making a racist statement. It is a fact that the majority of crime and gun related death happens in urban environments

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/ascii/viocrm.txt

*Central cities, particularly those with populations between 250,000 and 499,999, have the highest per capita rates of violent crime.

To pick a case city, Detroit, which is also shown in the film, these are the demographics-

Detroit is the most violent city in America according to Forbes.

Infoplease.com yielded these statistics:

81.6% Minority
26.1% Below Poverty Line

These are facts from well respected web sources.

Heston was forced to back off his statement to be politically correct. He is a celebrity where I am not, thus I can be blunt and finish what he was getting at.

Now another point brought up was that there will be poverty no matter what ethnicity a person is, well that is not the exact chemical formula for crime. This is what I believe to be the ingredients.

Poverty+HIGH DENSITY=crime, now there are more specialized forms such as (Poverty+Density)X racial tensions=crime^2. By racial tensions, I referring to large gang areas such as Los Angeles ect. Some of the poorest people in America live in backwoods Alabama and the Ozarks, they are the poorest of the poor, but the fact is, they do not live in a dense enough population to create crime, lets go back to the equation. Poverty+density=crime, if you take density out of the equation, it changes to this, Poverty+low density=uneducated, unhealthy, and overall terrible living conditions, worse than that of the inner city. So we can clearly see that crime is created by 2 factors not having anything directly related to minorities (poverty and high density), where minorities do play in, is that they are the most likely to be in such a scenario, so as Ive said, I do not blame minorities, I blame the equation, and I believe Heston was going to get at the same thing.

My defense of Heston is only to show he was probably not going to say something blatantly racist, but what he was getting at is poverty itself, and statistics show that minorities make up the majority of inner city populations and due to the close quarters with high density population under the poverty line, this leads to violent crime as is shown in Detroit

It is a sad fact that minorities are more likely to live in poverty, and is hopefully something that America can progress on, and fix. Since slavery was ended, the quality of life for minorities has steadily increased and hopefully will continue to show this trend.

Bowling For Colum-Whine

Heightened gun control, while it may not be his argument in the movie, will not stop America's "gun murder" problem. The fact that almost anyone can get a gun only makes the world safer, but to be precise, I don't mean necessarily the entire world, I mean your world. The fact of the matter is, even if the most strict gun laws were put into practice, criminals insane enough to murder scores of people will still be able to access a gun and commit their crime, end of story. It is the same way with any illicit drug law currently in effect, all it stops is the casual user, anyone who really wants to get high, can and will find someone selling. Moore may be making his case that the world is sick with fear, and violent by its very nature, but him pointing this out will not stop a single madman from going out in his blaze of gunfire. No gun law was going to stop columbine. The only conceivable way these 2 kids could have been stopped was by an armed guard in the school.
Let me further explain this as I don't want any misunderstanding. I do not think every person on earth is by nature violent, and I don't think we should sleep with a gun under our pillow, but the sad truth that Michael Moore shows is that perhaps we would be more safe with one. Now that may seem like a contradictory statement, but hear me out. Moore shows us several clips of madmen ("some people are just LOONIES o.O guy"), and also uses columbine, and a 6 year old shooting a classmate. Clearly, all of these people should not have had access to firearms, but the fact is THAT THEY DID. There is NO WAY, to stop someone who wants to get a gun and kill people from killing people, unless you personally have the means to protect yourself, and the others around you, and what is the best way to do that? A gun. That is right, here in this land of oppurtunity and weath and individuality, in the end you must rely on yourself for protection, and in the end, one more gun in the hand of a sane individual rather than 2 insane kids or WHACKO'S 0.o guy, is a good gun in my book.

FUN FACTS :)
http://gunowners.org/sk0802.htm

Call them biased, sure, but so is everything else for one side or another.

Also I would like to discuss Charlton Heston's point that there is more violence because there are more minorities, that is not how I would word it, but lets just assume for a second that we are not all politically correct sticklers. Here is what Im going to do for you, I'm going to be blunt. More minorities-more poverty-more poverty-more crime, so yes in a transitive way, Heston made a point. Please do not think I am a racist, or anything close to that, because I am not. You and I both know that unfortunately, the more minorities, the more poverty there is, that is an unquestionable statistic, and also another statistic is, the more poverty, the more crime. Where the number of those who do commit crimes are vastly smaller than those who do, that number is still large enough to account for some of America's "massive" 11,000 gun deaths per year. I do not blame minorities, I blame poverty.

In short, I would say Michael Moore needs to quit whining about how the world is, and buck up like the rest of us. Its a hard knock life, it has been that way in the past, and will continue to be that way in the future.


Finally I will state this point. Should this magnificent country of ours be invaded by hostile forces, they will have to march through our country, where there are 70 million or more firearms in the hands of citizens, I don't know what you think, but I say good luck Charlie, this is the land of the free, and the home of the *BANG*

Proof Of My Humanity

My bedisde manner, in person, and especially here on my blog, may come off to others as one of a jerk. For the record, I fully admit that I am an arguementative person, and not always very nice. As you can tell, virtually every one of my blogs are arguements for one side or another, and in most of my conversations above the, what are you doin, level, are discussions where there are 2 differing opinions. Because the majority of my interactions with my friends (who I care for very deeply, and take Thomas Jeffersons stance of political or religious arguements not being a just cause to terminate friendship.), are arguements or discussions, my overall demeanor has morphed by necesity to resemble that of a brick wall. I dont usually show emotion, and when people discuss things with me, by nature, I am ruthless, and at some points down right mean or insulting. For this, I cannot blame entirely on force of habit, rather I blame it on my flaws as a human being. It is something I must work on as a person to be a better friend.

So, in a small exercise, I will release a few things few people know about me that prove I am not a complete bastard.

I love stars. I ly in my backyard sometimes on nice nights and just stare at them in awe. I could write novels on why I love them so much. They are absolutely beautiful in every way, and I certainly dont use the word beautiful often, so it means something. Stars are awesome.

(Orion, yo)

I love music, I listen to all different kinds. Even if heavy metal music is what i listen to the most, I actually like soft rock the most, its very sweet and calming, and represents audial beauty to me.



I love to read, and not just stupid sci fi books, I also read drama books, and yes some of those have been love storys, I dont often tell people because its slightly embarassing, well now you know.




I love my friends, Yes, the people I argue with, I would do anything for any of them without thinking about it for even a second. I would give 1 of my lungs or kidneys to any of them.





Finally, I love nature, specifically flowers...*Head goes down in shame*, yes: orchids, hybiscus, rose, it doesnt matter. I find all of them absolutely beautiful, again, it may seem like I throw this word around, but I dont, flowers rock house. If I could have my own garden filled with flowers, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I fear my brother would kill me.



So there you have it, 5 very personal things about me that prove im not a total jerk, I do have love in my heart for a small number of great beautiful things.

Audial Exploration

The prongs slide into the outlet causing power to surge into the amplifier. The dial labeled master volume is turned up to 9/10, an inadaquate display of the massive potential energy resting in your hands. You slide the pick over the low string which vibrates violently, what is a C to a technical musician means only one word to you, thrash. You begin to chug on the string, rebeginning the vibration anew at over 10 times a second, the thin strip of metal seems to flutter like a hummingbirds wing in your hands. You move a few strings up, hitting the higher frets, what was a painful symphony of power now seems to transform into a sonnet. Your hands transforming every sound of the poem at your will, like a puppet master commanding a beautiful ballerina. She dances proudly, seeming to move the air around her like paper thin leaves flowing in the autumn breeze. Your hand moves again to the low string, once more causing the agonizing roar of a charging elephant, all sense of the ballerina is gone, but the memory has not faded, she is waiting to dance again, at the beckoned call of her master.

As you may tell from my description, I find music's aesthetic property's very appealing and thought provoking. Oftens times I find myself not playing any particular song, but simply moving from key to key to warp the music into more than what it is. What were mere audio waves change into emotions, and emotions into poetry in your mind and in the air around you. You do not need to know how to play an instruement well to experience the great depth of music, all you need are your hands, and an open mind.

Anti-Gay Marriage A-HOLES

Last night I was having dinner with my best friend and my brother when the topic of gay marriage came up. I, being a libertarian and advocate of freedom for all people, argued on the side of gay marriage, and my brother and friend were on the opposite side. Because we love humor here on the Paintball Corner, im gunna just mention a few of the arguements these bigots came up with. Get ready to laugh.

1. "I have the same rights as gay people do, because I cannot marry a man either"
2. "If 2 gay people get married, they have a much higher possibility to adopt a child, and raise it in a bad home causeing their social akwardness."
3. "It would corrupt society as we know it, and destroy the moral groundwork of the nation"
4. "If we let 2 men get married, next thing we know, people will be marrying their horses"
5. "If we allow gay marriage, how can we continue to pursecute arabs who cannot be polygamists in this country, and also mormons."

Ok, now that your good laugh is over, its time for me to reinact my destruction of their points.

1. Yes you cannot marry a man either collin, but you can marry a woman whereas a woman cannot.

2. Plenty of man-woman households end up destroying their childrens lives, therefore any arguement saying a gays household would be worse is absolutely ludacris, and would be roughly the same percentage of man-woman households.

3. How can allowing more freedom to individuals make our country morally bankrupt, its not your lifestyle, you dont have to have a gay marriage, you enjoy your freedom, why cant they? Our country began on the cornerstone of liberty, therefore more liberty would only make this society better.

4. This point is absolutely disgusting and is made by almost everyone who is anti-gay marriage, and i wouldnt respond normally to idiocy but i will so you know what to say if anyone ever says it to you. Its legal for people to get a marriage lisence, not animals. end of story.

5. 1 marriage, 1 lisence, this isnt pursecution, this is the law for heterosexuals, and it skips over gays. Sorry, goes right along with the point in #4.

Yes this argument was real, and yes, they were forced to run home crying. It isnt real fair taht i was given such an easy arguement, because everyone knows that there is NO intellectual arguement supporting anti-gay marriage. Thank god they didnt say "The bible says...." or i would have had to kill them hahaha.

Blog War Baby Yeah!

I declare a full fledged blog war between The Paintball Corner, and The Sandbox.

Braveheart Glorification (In response to the horrendous words of "the sandbox")

I love lists, dont you? Well either way, here at the paintball corner, we like to cite our points in lists, so here we go, the top 10 reasons why Braveheart is better than "the sandbox's" favorite movie, the Godfather.

1. Mel Gibson is God, God plays in Braveheart, the movie is therefore holy.

2. Swords are way cooler than guns. Id rather see some bad guys head get lopped off by a 7 foot claymore sword than see Sunny get lit up by thompsons, swords are just awesome.

3. Babes-yes, ill play this card for both male and female viewers, 2 uber hot girls were in this movie (they arent blonde...but we can overlook that) and yes their fine bodys were visible on numerous occasions, and for the women, you get to see rugged scots and their dongs and asses, not to mention Mel Gibson is scandily clad throught the movie (kilts). WHEREAS---the Godfather is chock full of the ugliest, nastiest fucks ever, 0 hot potential.

4. Action-Braveheart was full of it; people getting decapitated, tortured, arms and legs lopped off, arrows flying into peoples chests, horses getting ran through by spears, and finally, the entire movie is scattered with massive battle scenes with hundreds if not thousands of extras hacking away at eachother. ITS GOT THE WHOLE PACKAGE. The only action the Godfather has, is people being shot in the back of the head, strangled, and ambushed---LAME.

5. Honor--Braveheart has it, people all have a chance when they are killed in battle, they have the opurtunity to save their lives and kill their enemies, whereas in the Godfather, there is no fighting, there is just ambushing without honor by greasy men with pistols.

6. Underlying Theme- Braveheart's underlying theme is FREEDOM, thats something we love here at the paintball corner, damn straight, liberty and freedom are reasons to fight, WHEREAS---the Godfathers main theme is CRIME and crime family, and one could also argue respect, im sorry, but freedom>thuggery.

7. The most badass death in movie history goes to WILLIAM WALLACE--his entrails were cut out, extremeties broken, genitals hacked off, and was finally beheaded, but before the ax fell, he screams in an extremely loud voice through his apparent agony beyond belief....FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!11!!!!111. WHEREAS-the only real badass death in the Godfather was Sunny, who was merely gunned down by around 1000 bullets, which was only humerous to me.

8. Inspiration--the speeches in Braveheart were amazing, after I heard those I was inspired to do anything. Wallaces death also gives great inspiration, which historically it did, to thousands of scots who really did get their freedom, WHEREAS the Godfather merely inspired teenage men to be infaturated with crime and the gangster lifestyle...*COUGH* the sandbox *COUGH*

9. Historical Value---okay, not all the battles were fought that way, but there was a william wallace, who won the battle of stirling bridge against his tyranical overloads, the english, he really did rebel, the scots really did follow him, and he really was tortured and killed, his arms being sent to every corner of england and his head put on a pike in london, and the scots did win at bannockburn with robert the bruce against the english and did get their freedom, WHEREAS---the Godfather is NOT based on a true inspirational story, it is a fictional story about a non inspirational, thug family.

10. FINALLY, it is better because I say its better....lol...ran out of ideas, but I believe ive cited enough reasons for its superiority.

I challenge the sandbox to a rebuttle, please, humor me.

A Brief Word Concerning My Political Position

I have blogged about politics and news a great deal here, and I dont want anyone to get the wrong idea about my general philisophy. I believe Ive trashed on both liberal and conservative points in a number of blogs and I have recently posted a hate-piece on Bill-O, which puts the odds of me being a republican at astronomical numbers. See, I fit into the nook of Libertarianism, which in general outlines the following principals, what ill call, the 7 commandments of Libertarianism.

1. Very literal and strict view of the constitution, IE. what is there, you follow.

2. Personal liberties are of the highest priority (which is usually why people peg me for a progressive democrat), the liberties should be universal for everyone in the United States, especially pointing to the issue of gay marriage.

3. Abortion should be considered a personal liberty for women (I agree with this statement, but I definately do not condone government sponsored abortion clinics nor do I agree morally on an abortion but it is a liberty women should have.)

4. No meddling in otherworldly affairs IE. we should not be the policemen of the world (I wholeheartedly agree with this statement, we should bring every troop home from every country in the world, and we have them literally everywhere, this would allow us to better defend our homeland and protect our borders.)

5. No pre-emptive wars, (the entire idea of preemptive war is shady, especially when we are spoon fed horrendous intelligence).

6. The federal bank should be abolished, we as a country have not been out of debt since the Andrew Jackson presidency 200 years ago, only because Jackson destroyed the federal bank, and the moment his presidency ended, it was rebuilt and we went straight back to debt and inflation.

7. Less programs, Our government is chock full of useless programs, useless people and useless ideas, we audit every program to see exactly what its accomplishing, reduce-add-or nullify according to the information, and thus reduce taxes on the people.

I realize that publically blogging on my personal political stance may come off as self centered and unneeded, (at least it gives me a chance to spread the ideology of libertarianism!) but my political stance basically makes me a moderate, so I tell in order to show my lack of bias towards republicans and democrats. In general, my stance makes me chose between the lesser of 2 evils when it comes to election times, the republican values generally suit the libertarian need more, however, the republican party of today makes me physically ill, and I would not support them to save my life, and todays democratic party, where their intentions are good, I doubt their ability to accomplish their massive agenda. 

History Is Written By Those Who Hang Heros

I was watching my favorite movie, Braveheart, the other day when I hear this quote from the movie. As a kid, watching the movie and hearing it really made no impression on me, but this go around, it really got me thinking. What if here in America, we were beaten by the British, and our history was written by those who conquered us. We wouldnt hear tales of the vallient heros and founders of our great country, instead we would read a mere snippet in a British textbook about some man named Patrick Henry, who inspired a rebellion, was crushed, tried for treason in a British court, and hung at the fine London Gallows. Thankfully, we Americans won our revolution and we remember Patrick Henry for his incredible quote, "Give me liberty, or give me death!". In the same parallel story, we have the Native Americans who were crushed by our hand. What if they would have destroyed us in the begginning? Their historys would read of the founders of Jamestown as nothing but hairy beasts who walked around in clanky armor firing their boom sticks. So you see, history really is written by those who conquer. Think about how many viewpoints have been lost at the tip of the sword, and the end of the beyonet. 

Why I Blog

Thoughts swirl around my head much like vortex, and every so often they are intelligent enough to garner more intensive thought, and everyone knows, writing is a portal to the mind. As you can plainly see from my previous blog posts, I never blog about the same thing. My posts are a direct bridge in to what exactly is going on in my brain at the time of the post. These posts are almost theraputic in a way, as they find resolution for the strains of thought in my mind, they conquer the thought to paper barrier.

A Poem For A Change

What is wrong with the world today
Leaders fail, and the people have to pay
Soldiers march in schorched desert sand
Because Uncle Sam Waived his hand

We are told who to hate, who to despise
Losing our freedoms and living on lies
Shovels high, digging our graves
It doesnt take chains to be slaves

People say its how the earth turns
Looking away as the world burns
So we lower our heads and accept our fate
That we are the pawns, check mate

So those of us who see, who believe
We can make a difference, while we still breath
Its either fall in or stand strong
Listen..think...speak

A Word On Bill-O

First and foremost, I will state that Bill-O's hailed top prime-time news ratings are the cause of simple transitive property. Most people on Earth are assholes, most people watch Bill-O, therefore, most of the people who watch Bill-O are assholes. Sure, your ratings are through the roof, but if you met half of the people who watch your show, you would realize that there are a whole hell of a lot of right wing loons. Take for example yourself Bill. You know what, ill break paragraph and my point to describe exactly why I loath you.

Your face reminds me of an old catchers mitt

Your ears sag and droop like the breasts of a 90 year old stripper

Your nose is that of a mythomanic witch made by gepetto

Your eyes are merely portals into the empty abysmal chasm you call a soul

Your mouth is like a landfill, it is filled with junk and decaying filth that you spew at any occasion. When your math is moving, you are merely spewing filth, causing everything around you to rot and to stink. You are nothing but a steaming pile of dung, and your followers are the dung beetle, who feed of your feces in order to survive.

Where was I. Right wing loons. Let me tell you something about right wing loons. They are the ones who stop liberty from spreading every time a gay marriage ban is upheld. Give me one intelligent reason why homosexual people should have the liberty of marriage. YOUR RIGHT WING LOONS all follow an ancient moronic cult called CHRISTIANITY. They are so insane and LOONY that they will force others lives to follow their "god's divine will" and thus not let them be married. So, why dont you take your classic rhetoric about left wing loon websites being full of crazies, because where there are only a few websites of this catagory, I can show you MILLIONS of churches around the world with equally LOONY people, you blubbering vagina.

Also we have you constantly ambushing people on the street in the very next segment, basing photographers doing the same thing to Miley Cyrus. Thanks to the Daily Show, we have all be shown this direct hypocrisy. 

SO I have decided to make my own pinheads and patriots segment right here on my blog. My Pinhead today is................BILL O REILLY.

He is a pile of filth, posing as a newsman, and brainwashing millions of assholes to think like you, and finally for sucking the soul out of life, you are......a PINHEAD. And if you wish to reply, dont be FURTIVE.

Oh and if you want to buy a "Bill, Go To Hell" t-shirt, just email me, ill find a way to make you one. OR if you want a copy of my book, "Bill Oreilly: An bold fresh piece of SHIT"

OC-me

Since I can remember I have had an extremely peculiar mind. At the tender age of 8, at any given point I could tell you how many there was of anything around me. I counted everything...and I mean everything. Steps to the drinking fountain, number of cars in a parking lot, and tiles on the floor. 10 was the most beautiful thing on earth, everything about it was perfect. I counted it in my head. 1, 2, 3....10. I repeated this process hundreds of thousands of times over the course of my late elementary school life. I wasnt a social freak or anything mind you, I didnt sit around in my bedroom humming lullabys while contemplating my next flaying, I was just a normal kid.

Logic has always been my standout motive in every action, I have never said anything, done anything random, Its always premeditated and always thought over.

People that do strange things, from my point of view, have always bothered me the most. Its the things they say and the things they do that really prove the point "its the little things that bother you the most." I recall a time in my freshman year when a person sneezed on me in the hallway, this wasnt a girly little, ohhh excuse me sneeze. This was the atom bomb of mucus expullsion, and I was hiroshima. But at this time of my life, i was a disinfectant artist, and i was about to paint my masterpiece. I ran to the bathroom and began to to srub my face with a papertowel and about 50 squirts of soap.

Breaking Bad Series Breaks TV Drama's Bad Streak

Television dramas have never been as terrible as they are today. There are dozens of half baked shows out there with hollow plots and empty dialogue and this will never change. But somewhere, somehow, one drama series has found a way to shine through the smog and pollution of mindless charactor plots; that show is Breaking Bad.

AMC's Breaking Bad stars Bryan Cranston as Walter White, an obscenely overqualified high school chemestry teacher who is recently diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. After going through his finances, he is overwhelmed with the thought of leaving his family in debt, and thus decides to put his profession to use cooking methemphetamine with an old high school student/slacker Jessie Pinkman (Aaron Paul), who is a classic drug influenced drop out. They band together in a delapitated RV and Walter finds his true calling cooking the purest meth Jessie, and for that matter, anyone has ever seen. This sets the stage for the most epic character drama ever made.

I will now take the time to adaquately express Walters personality as I see it. He is a very logical person, above all else, he is a man of thought. He does not make mistakes, he does not miscalculate, and will not do something risky unless absolutely necessary. His character has never commited a crime in his life, and is not a violent person by nature, and thus is new to the entire drug/murder scene, hence the title of the series Breaking Bad, for that is exactly what Walter is doing.

In the first season, the big dilema for Walts character is whether or not to kill a drug dealer, crazy-8, who tried to kill him, or to simply let him go and hope for the best. Crazy-8 is locked to a pipe in Jessies basement and Walter is upstairs, pacing around, using his logical mind to calculate what he should do. He goes down stairs to feed C8 and breaks a plate on accident, after seeing a piece is missing, the cold water of reality pours on him as he realizes he has to murder him. This is the great turning point for Walt, the great moral dilema. He walks downstairs, and chokes C8 to death. A suburban man, who in 1 month has gone from average man, to a dying, meth cooking, murderer.

Hows that for a drama series. This black comedy is, hands down, the best show on TV.

The Straight Edge Review

Past the deep concrete forest of Cedar Rapids, and through a maze of flood damaged buildings, lies a garage known as the Straight Edge. It is a haven for the local music scene to show up, plug in, and thrash out for a handful of hardcore metal fans. My friend, after years searching for a legitament band, finally found his metalcore calling with the local group "How Vivid The Memory". After only a week of practice they decided to play for the insane Straight Edge-goers. Against my better judgement, and will to survive I owed it to him to watch at least one show. I went into my closet, and chose the blackest clothing I could find and navigated my way through the stink hole of downtown to find the structure. After what seemed an eternity of rotting wood and paintballed stopsigns I finally found the alcove that hid the Straight Edge. Perhaps 10 cars were parked outside and I could see band members moving instruments and stacking boxes as I carefully made my way to the enterence. I looked into the garage and knew instantaniously that I would not leave without some kind of injury. The size of the Straight Edge was probably smaller than your garage at home. It was small, it was dank, and it was somehow kickass. It was like that hideout people always find in zombie movies, only music was our weapon. The first band romped onstage (the far corner of the small garage) and the 30 people packed like sardines began to cheer in unison. Noise ensued. Normally, what sound would have caused me to vomit, pumped me up. It was not a music-listener relationship, it was one of deisel fuel to a fire. Suddenly it became my life blood, my energy, instead of just audial noise. I jumped up in the air and shoved the people next to me in an endless mosh, and I didnt care about the pain in my ribs from the last engagement, it was only more fuel.

Frivolous Stimulus

The recent talks of where the money is going and how it will be wasted has been the cause of my growing !wrong! enduced headaches. The way our capitalist market system works is, company x loses money because customers would prefer to purchase better products than what company x makes. Lets imput this into the failing US auto industry.

Point #1. The US car companys blow in comparison to foreign automakers. This is because they make a less marketable product that doesnt last as long, and doesnt run as well. Due to this they push less product and lose more money. There are a number of thinks that could concievably happen to company x in their current predicament.

a. They go out of business
b. They get government aid
c. They make better more innovative products and win back their customer base.

Please forgive me for speaking in metaphore, but it just sounds better to me.

A boy opens up a lemonaid stand in his front yard and tends to it for a number of days with great success, he is the only one really making and selling this lemonaid and profits are booming. Then, after about a week or 2 of great profits, the asian boy next door starts his own stand. Now the difference between the stands is simple. The boys lemoniad is barely satisfying, only keeping its good taste for a while, whereas the asian boys lemonaid lasts for a very long time, keeping its sweet taste for hours. Everything runs smoothly for a while, but adventually the customors in the lemonaid market realize that asian boys is a lot better. So they naturally purchase the better product, putting the boy out of business. He has 2 choices. He can learn to make a better batch of lemonaid or he can just ask mom and dad for money. It would seem he would want to make better lemonaid unsuring years of profit instead of just a lump sum of cash to keep him in business making the same crap and still selling less than asian boy.

So my message to automakers and the government, is leave eachother alone the way youre supposed to. If the automakers want to stay in business, they will innovate and make some damn energy efficient cars, which will bring back the market. So get back to work you lazy idiots, and stop begging mom and dad for money.

And to the government, how bout taking all that money and burning it to give me some value back to my dollar.

High School Whimsical

Have you ever seen those kids walking around saying how "in love" they are with their highschool mates. I can think of nothing more painful to the eyes than seeing 2 morons making out in the hallway, and nothing more painful to the ears than hearing them say "i love you sooo much babbyyy booooo." This is not true. Why isnt it true? Because they are young idiots who are forced together by whimsical chance, who both find eachother attractice therefore they get together so they can hook up. This creates the need for the word love. They must find a way to justify their lust so they arent just whores with a constant "John". This is why there are teenage pregnancies, this is why there are suicides from complete morons who break up with their "special someone" because they just dont show they love eachother properly. Of course i shouldnt complain, if they do kill themselves, they do remove 1 more idiot gene from the world. That conceivably removes hundreds of generations of other over dramatic morons that could have surfaced from her ill fated eggs. Clearly darwin is at work here. If you are in a high school relationship, please examine the following points to see if you are a total moron.


#1. Do you say I love you more than once a day: If you do, congrats, you are a total moron. You do not love them. You only think you do because of that last episode of the OC where some idiot told some other idiot she loved him, and since they are cool, they are obviously right. If you are guilty of this, stop, maybe then you will only be a moron instead of a total moron.

#2. Do you make out in the hallways: If you do, please do us all a favor, and kill yourselves. Noone wants to see that. Noone. If you must do it, then ditch your next class, dont worry, youre probably failing it anyway.

#3. Do you update your facebook status to absolutely agonizing things such as <3<3 OMFG I LOVE GHF<3<3!!!!!!: If you do this, delete your facebook. This is completely idiotic. I would rather read the autopsy reports of 2000 brutally murdered cute puppies than read this update.

#4. Do you think your relationship is more adult than the other petty ones around you: If you do this, you are wrong. You may say, Ethan, you just dont get our relationship, we really do love eachother, and we are not just some petty fling. Wrong, yes you are. You are just as petty and idiotic as everyone else.

#5. If you say i love you to your partner in under 3 months, you are more than just a complete moron. You are a mind blowingly daft person, with a brain the size of an acorn, and the central nervous system of a paint sniffer who cant wipe himself anymore.

As a final note, I will say, it is conceivable for very rare occurences of love to exist between HS students, this can only occur if both people have been with each other for 80% of their HS education, and did not say i love you until at least 6 months into the relationship.

I do not want idiotic messages from idiotic people telling me that I have never been in love and therefore dont know what im talking about. Do not presume to know anything about my personal life and make accusations about me. I have had relationships in HS, and I am talking on experience here. End rant.

Facebook Is Not Your Therapist: The Henious Transformation Of the Facebook Status Update

Alrighty, where to begin. I have noticed a very unsettling trend over recent weeks of status updates getting gloomier and gloomier. I know its winter and everythingm and its the middle of the school year where, lets face it, everyone wants the "sun to come out." This however, is not an excuse for the mishandling of ones social networking device. The Facebook status update, by its very nature, is meant to inform people on what you are doing, for example; "Yay spring break, who wants to go see Watchmen?", or " Im having SOO much fun in New York!". This update tells your friends where you are, what you are doing, or it is to invite people to some place, or inform them on what you will be doing. Some exceptions to this rule are as follows; "UGHH im home sick in bed, cant do anything" , "Im busy at work, call txt". This fuction, as just demostrated, can be used to say that you are busy and cannot talk, so instead of fb, try my phone. This is what the status update is for. Now lets delve into what it isnt supposed to be used for.

#1. First and formost, facebook status updates are not meant for you to tell the world how in love you are with person X. This is not where you are, this is not what youre doing, this isnt what you will be doing, or telling whether youre sick or at work, it is not informative, it is annoying and unnecesary. Common rebuttles would be, Ethan you dont know what its like to be in love so get off my back, actually, i do know, and i had the common sense to keep person thoughts on personal relationships, my personal business. Please have to common courtesy to save my morning vomit for seeing i forgot a math test, instead of me reading how many kisses you want to give <3<3 Mary Hada Littlelamb <3 <3.

#2. Facebook is not a therapy device for you to write such depressing status' as; "I hate my fucking life", "Fuck my life", "I am a piece of crap, i deserved what happened to me", "Someone please kill me", or "Im gunna take a bath with my toaster!". These updates are malodramatic, and very annoying to have flash up on my home screen. Take note of normal people, who make their status' about whatever happyness they find in their life. Be an optimistic person. Dont write horrendous status' about your depression on facebook, blow it out of proportion and just make every feel like shit. This transferral of moods can be compared to a streptococcus bacterial infection. Do you want to be streptococcus...no you do not. So please stop. Arguements that people will use against me to justify their existance as bacteria, "Its NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW I FEEL" ---ok, yes that is true, BUT YOURE THE IDIOT WHO POSTED IT ON FB. I didnt choose to read it, i didnt click on anything to see it, it was on my homepage as an update.

Consider happyness. It is a strage idea i know. I have crappy parts about my life, but i choose not to dwell on them and post them on FB to garner effection from others and attention from my peers who have nothing better to do then ask you why you "Feel like drinking the detergent". If we can agree to stop these things, FB, and for that matter THE ENTIRE WORLD, would be a happier place. End rant.

A Not-So-Modest Proposal

After being inspired by a recent essay read in class, I have formulated a plan to save the US economy. Here goes nuthin.

After noticing the economy going up in flames, I have accumulated a small list of ideas to tackle the situation.

Phase 1: Everyone who is working at or who once worked at any big bank corporation such as JP Morgan, Citi Bank, ect.. should be taken to New Mexico, where upon arrival they will dig a massive trench 15 feet deep, and a mile long. Upon completion of said task, they will be lined up infront of said trench in single file while facing the trench. After completion of this queue, armed gunmen will arrive in trucks and gun down everyone into said trench. Finally the trench will be filled by newly hired, legal, once unemployed workers that complain illegals get every job. They will make minumum wage. Also to prevent any sort of demonic spirits from escaping the bodies of the rotting bankers, the hole will be surrounded by new churches and newly hired priests and paranormal investigators.

Phase 2: Every Congressmen who has ever voted to raise their own salary, and every congressmen who has ever be involved in any scandal whatsoever will be tied to pieces of US Steel, and thrown into a large lake. After their bodys decompose, cleaning services will be hired to create more jobs.

Phase 3: Anyone who is involved with a company who gives obscene bonuses from tax bailout dollars to its multimillion dollar CEO's will be sent to an area on the outskirts of a rainforest where they will be made to ly down. They will then be ran over by US workers paid to drive US made electric cars until everyone is dead. Then a team of US employed botanists will plant US made genetically altered trees to increase the size of the rainforest phinominally and thus reduce the effects of global warming.

Phase 4: The office of the Fed, or the Federal Bank will be vaporized along with 5 trillion US dollars and Ben Bernake. This will remove an uncostitutional, inflation mass producing house of money whores from the world, and will also reduce the money in circulation to drive up the price of the dollar, and lastly it will also rid the world of its most moronic man, Ben Bernake.

Phase 5: Anyone who has ever gotten away with reducing the funding of electric powered cars, hydrogen cars, or any alternative fuel cars, will be crucified upsidedown on US made crosses.

Phase 6: Big Oil companys will be destroyed, because due to more efficient energy, they are no longer needed. Anyone who ever rose the price of gas due to it being the only way to get around will be boiled alive in their own oil, and they will pay for what they boil in at their own high prices.


These 6 simple phases will remove the scum of the Earth, Create new efficient cars and services, reduce the need for foreign oil, stimulate the economy with new jobs, reduce the effects of global warming, new clean energys, no more hyperinflation, the dollar will be worth more, no more opressive banks and ponsi scemes. Ummm, pretty sure that covers everything.

A Canticle For Cheapowitz: A Review Of The Dollar Menu

Here it is, the long awaited top 5 dollar menus in Cedar Rapids.



5. Burger King: A very simple dollar menu, a chicken and burger choice that are both acceptable to the poor mans budget, and fast ready. However, the smell of the whopper jr. is the most odiferous smell Imagine being served as food other than potato salad, and thats saying something. It stems mostly from the presence of pickles and mayonaise poured on by somone saying "say when" to hellen keller. Pickles, while on thinking about it, are nasty little buggers. They taste terrible, and come on everything. I propose a bill in the house that will make the induction of pickles to ones burgers on request only. This will save hours of my life from having to pick them off. The chicken is acceptable.



4. Mikkidees- This place is disgusting. Flat up, it makes me sick to go in here because of its nasty environment and the shere number of people that eat there. However, I do give them credit for revolutionizing the dollar menu with the first double cheese burger. No good toppings whatsoever, just a nasty, but still double, cheeseburger. Why are dollar menus good? Because it sacrifices taste for price and the ablility to fill you up. Mcdonalds has proved this with its nasty-ass food yet 100 billion orders served.

3. KFC-This joint get the #3 spot for 2 reasons. The 1 dollar snacker, which is quite possibly the most changable 1 dollar treat this earth has ever seen. It comes in buffalo, origional, crunchy, cheesy, and bbq. It by its very nature, is absolutely delicious. The next and final reason is the home fries they serve, which are very good. Thanks to the snacker we can finally have a decent dollar menu chicken order.

2. Arbys-pick 5 for 5.95. Techically not a dollar for every unit, but after tax, it is like 530, so get over it. Lets begin with the jamoca shake, which by its very nature is delicious, this is why this dollar menu warrents a spot at #4. Also in this menu we have the Arbys melt, which is not necessarily as good as a hamburger (because hamburgers kick ass), but in general is acceptable. 3 words, curley fries rock, the best 1 dollar fry out there for sure. Finally there is the potato cakes, and motzerella sticks order which are both very good and very bad for you.

1. Wendy's- There are a number of reasons why Wendy's has the best dollar menu, for 1, it broke the crap-price barrier that states for 1 dollar food must taste bad. Why does wendy's taste good? Tomatos. They come on everything, and it gives the place a sense of some cleanliness and a small hint of health. Lets attack all of their dollar menu selections 1 by 1. First are formost we have the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, it comes with tomatos (yum), and bacon, 2 things never before seen on a dollar menu. Its delicious. Next we have the Double stack. This burger is the most beastly cheeseburger the world has ever seen on a dollar menu. It tackles hunger and the taste buds. Finally we have the crispy chicken sandwhich. Now dont get me wrong, its no snacker, but it gets the job done, far better than the McDonalds McChicken. Congrats to Wendys for the innovation of the dollar menu, and the breaking of the crap to price barrier.

A Brief Synopsis Of Air Travel

Recently my family and I went to Florida for our vacation, and of course this required air travel. We arrived at the airport at around 530 in the morning, and I was not in the mood for problems. However, due to Murphys Law and an 8 person crew, it was inavoidable. Bags took about 20 minutes to check in due to 4 women and their plethora of carry on and stow away bags.
After this borathon, we moved on to security. This was when I began to be annoyed. I was forced to take off my shoes and coat, because, obviously, I am a suspected terrorist with a blade in my shoe, and a grenade in my coat pocket. Next, my shaving cream, which, due to my extremely manly beard, was an absolute necsesity, was taken from because, "It is over 3 oz." I then proceded to walk through the metal detector 3 times, for my cell phone. my change, and my belt, consecutively. Finally, after a 1 hour layaway we boarded our flight from Cedar Rapids to Detroit.
To adaquately describe the size and smell of the aircraft, one must forcibly put ones head inside of a 10 year old boys shoe with foot fungus. Our stewardess was an anorixic 22 year old who was chewing bubble gum and contemplating over her ever stimulating people magazine. Fortunately we were off the plane in a reasonable time.
Our next task was hunting down food in a crowded airport. I carfully observed my surroundings and spotted a burger king, it had all the qualitys of teenage prey; cheap, full of "energy", and quick, and usually the prey is quite tasty. This particular animal however, was horrid. It was staffed by sweat drenched automatons who could barley count change, and could definately not cook a burger. I consumed the prey and moved on to my next challenge of survival; escape from hell. The layover at detroit was horrendous. I sat on a chair at my gate, and to my horror and disgust, there was a small problem. Before I disclose exactly what it was, I will first explain. At airports, there are alot of windows, doors, and ways into the building, and birds tend to find themselves going through them. They even have trees inside of the airport to accomodate them. The birds also have access to food, and the ones who dont die from consuming the Burger King, live to poop another day, which leads to me and my seat soaked in bird feces.

adieu

Hotel Review of Motel 6 Cedar Rapids

The Motel 6 in Cedar Rapids Iowa, off the hawkeye downs exit is a disgusting excuse for rentable space. The floors are stained with an alien liquid that I can only assume is vomit, or grandmas potato salad. The general smell of the entire complex is that of a racoon doused in its own urine. The staff of the hotel is nonexistant. The only person working at any given moment is the front desk manager, but to describe her personality I must first illustrate her work environment. The desk itself was a disgusting light blue, almost like a carnival childs vomit after too much cotton candy. The pamplet stack suggesting places to go in Cedar Rapids is a complete disgrace, filled only with directions to local movie theatres and all you can eat buffets. The wallpaper, god, the wallpaper, was a strange green color, almost like a mashed pea. You could have found more cheer in a graveyard. Now we get to the attendant. I normally do not care about the appearance of other people, because frankly, I dont care. But again, to adaquately describe her I must include her looks. Her hair had not been showered in days. It was if she put her head in an Arby's fryer. She sported a mustache of which I can not equal. Her teeth looked as though she took them out and soaked them in Mountain Dew all night. She smelled like ferrel cat with irritable bowel sydrome. Now onto the room. The bathroom to be exact. It was a horrifying experience to say the least. It was about the size of a box of matches, and the toilet was soaked in god knows who or whats urine. Remnants of someones last bowel movement was smeared on the side of the bowl, and the smell, god, the smell. Overall its rating is a 1/10. The one is only because there was a free porn channel.

Ways to Reduce the Time Untill Retirement

1. Dont give allowance to your kids
2. Eat 2 meals a day, who needs 3
3. Dont go to the doctor for that cold, just wait out man
4. Ice cream trucks should be avoided at all times
5. Dollar menus
6. No pets, if you do have 1, break its neck, remember, bullets cost money.
7. Turn the heat down in the winter, remember newspaper is a good insulator, but steal your neighbors, because they cost money.
8. Turn the AC off in the summer, naked is a great look, especially cause clothes cost money.
9. Wipe your butt with a towel, remember, toilet paper costs money.
10. Dont rent movies, download them for free on your computer.

Fast Food Proposal

Thank you for viewing my blog, I hope you werent too set on a new post about paintball. Today is all business people. I want to discuss a business oppurtunity for you all. You have the great honor of becoming an investor in my new Fast Food restaurant, Meato's.

What exactly is Meato's? It is a Fast Food joint where you go to stuff your gullet. You see it off the road. You like meat. You stop by. You walk up to the counter to order your meaty dish and you look at the menu. What do you see? You see a wall covered with only 3 possible orders. They are 3 burgers, they are massive, they are greasey, and they will destroy you.

Our first burger is the MACH 1. This burger is capable of slaying a small animal, such as an opossum or a house cat. The buns are greasey pieces of fried bread, then there is a piece of sloppy cheese, onions, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, then there is the kahuna. The massive slab of hamburger meat encompasses an area of 36 pi inches squared or 6 inches in diameter. This bad boy has more meat than Ron Jeremy, it will fill the largest, harriest man alive. Please order with the knowledge that this could devastate your bowels for at least 10 hours.

Our second slice of heaven is the MACH 2. This burger is capable of putting down a small child. Needless to say, you have to sign an agreement to serve this to Jr. If you order this burger, it comes with a side of pepto. Your bowels will be destroyed. Diarhea is imenent. It will be dark and runny, and it will not be funny. Do NOT and I repeat DO NOT take public transportation after consuming this monster. Symptoms of comsumption will include anal seepage, blood in the stool. diahrea, thoughts of suicide, acts of suicide, developing of stomach ulcers, stomach stretch marks, and in children, sure death.

Finally for a limited time offer, we have the Mach 3. It is named this for a reason. It shoots through your system at 3 times the speed of sound. Your body is so eager to remove the toxin that peristalsis is supercharged. This burger has been used as a tranquilizer for large ferrel bull elephants. To bad George Orwell didnt know about this. The quick transition from stable to death is a common way of suicide for emo teens. Why cut yourself when you can consume a deliciously deadly hunk of meat. There is 1 symtom. Death.

We also offer a house salad for those too weak to eat meat.

Thank you for your time.

Wait A Second....

So we get nailed on 9/11. Terrorists from around the Middle East attack our soil in an effort to make their point. President Bush uses this event as an excuse to attack Iraq. All of this seems like its coorelated doesnt it? I mean the iraqi's are arabs, they must have been part of the attack. Wrong. Dead wrong. 9 of the 9/11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia. 9 of them. How many were from Iraq? 0. ZERO. NADA. So that excuse to attack Iraq is total horseshit. Now think about this. Why didnt we attack Saudi Arabia? Why, because they are our best buddies. Bush and cheney love the saudis. They are our oil buddies. Just a little food for thought.

The bias in your news and politics

Every time you turn on your television you are pumped with whatever emotions the network wants you to be pumped with. The kung fu channel wants you to be pumped with adrenaline and excitement, Comedy Central wants you to be pumped with laughter and happyness, and the cabel news networks want you to be pumped with fear and anxiety. Feelings of fear and anxiety cause you to do one thing above all others, watch the news. You see suicide bombings, dead marines hanging off bridges, pictures of men in turbans, and you think to yourself, these people are scary and these people are bad. They are using these images and this rhetoric to make you think a certain way. Every news station claims no bias in their reporting but that is a load of crap. Everyone who watches Keith Olbermann and knows this guy is a left wing man, and you see Bill O'Reilly and you know hes a left wing man. They both claim "No spin" but everyone sees it. Noone who is unbiased uses the phrase "left wing loon" ten times per show. This isnt just cabel news either, its also in your magazines. Time for instance had Obama on the cover perhaps 20 times during the campaign season and nearing the end of the race. Mccain probably 4. What does this mean to you. Do you think Time was pulling for McCain? No. No you do not. Its the subtletys that will end up getting to you. If you want real news, unbiased news, youll have to watch....oh wait, there isnt any.

Top 10 Worst People You Will Encounter And How To Avoid Them

The Worst People on Earth Top 10 List



10. The Emotion Guru?: If youre upset about something, you dont want morons like this asking you whats wrong, its your problem, not theirs. Usually female. Avoid this person by putting on a great poker face at all times. Give them nothing. If they call you grumpy for not showing emotion, simply apply the middle finger.



9. The Quizmaster: This person is the one in your class that raises his/ or most likely her hand at least 10 times a day. They will be trivial questions, for example "When are we going to start studying for the AP Exam", or " How come we always have to have D lunch." You know this person. You hate this person. They are usually at least 10 decibles louder than everyone else around you, they are usually very peppy, and always very stupid. Avoid this person by sitting the fathest possible seat away, also apply ipod.



8. The Weather Man: This is the person in your class who predicts your early outs. Usually a man, he will attempt to overblow even the most minute ammount of snow into a 3 foot blizzard. He is usually very confident, and may even attempt making bets with you over the likelyhood. Accept the bet, count your winnings, and to drown out his whining, apply ipod.

7. The English Major: This person will correct your incorrect uses of the english language whenever he/she has the chance. It is usually a teacher. Common ways to spot this person are as follows; He/She answer the question, "Can I go to the bathroom?", with, "I dont know, can you?", or corrects your use of good with well. The best way to avoid this person is to watch every word you say, and give them no opportunity for retribution. Also to drown out the noise of him/her correcting others, apply ipod.

6. The Peddler: This person is the one carrying around a box of some kind of exotic candy or chocolate, asking everyone and anything in sight to purchase one for a dollar. Gender Indeterminate. This usually creates a 3-5 minute chaos in between class periods, sometimes encroaching on the start of the new period. To avoid this person, do not purchase his/her wares, also sit as far away as possible to avoid candy rush, and to drown out noise of ensuing chaos, apply ipod.

5. The Beggar: This person will ask to have anything from 1-125 cents in order to purchase a soda, lead for his/her pencil, colored pencil use, money to buy candy from #6, and your homework answers. This is most likely a less intelligent man. In order to avoid this person, keep all money in backpack, claim to have not done your homework, use normal pencils, and if they continue to beg, to drown out noise, apply ipod.

4. The Macho Man: This person is usually a very athletic male,(rare occasions female), who talkes constantly about how much he lifts. He will stretch his arms and say ouch in order for someone to ask him whats wrong, (usual answer will be from #10), he will then reply, "My workout was really extreme last night." To avoid the person, respond to his ouch with a witty comeback such as, "Daddy went a little rough last night eh?" Also to drown out his other attempts at glory by applying ipod.

3. The Cheerleader: This is a woman who is far to peppy to be living. She will practice her chants in class, she will lead every "go cougars" outburst, and will not stop smiling until she goes home and bitches out mommy. She is to be avoided by gaining a stable reputation as anti-peppy, or jerky. To drown out her idiotic blather, apply ipod.

2. The Bitch: This is always a girl, likely to be dirty, and always very stupid. On the days she does come to class, she will utter the phrase "Bitch ass mother fucker" at least twice, and may even call another girl, (likely #3) a "cum guzzling gutter slut". Avoid her by not talking to her, looking at her, or even sitting near her. To drown out her bitchiness, apply ipod.

1. The comedian: This is always a guy, he thinks he is the most funny person on the planet. His attitude is perfected to amplify his lack of intelligence, and his need for constant attention. He seeks laughter by doing outragious things, acting like a moron. To avoid this person, Do not laugh at any of his jokes, frequently roll your eyes and wisper loudly to your friend, "What a fucking moron!" Finally to drown out his moronic blather and the laughter of equally moronic people, smash your head against a wall, and hope to wake up next period. To ease your sunsequent headache, apply soft music on your ipod.

Rant Fest: Global Warming

The Earth goes through natural periods of temperature change. There have been ice ages, and heat waves all throughout history and before cars existed. This is the way the world works (no pun intended). Global Warming is a hoax. End of story. Now lets go back to the basics. What exactly is Global Warming. Public Broadcastic defines it as such:

Global Warming: The hypothesis that Earth's atmosphere is warming because of the release of "greenhouse gases," such as carbon dioxide. These gases are released into the air from burning gas, oil, coal, wood and other resources which then holds heat in an action similar to the walls of a greenhouse. - Source, Public Broadcasting Service

Reasons why global warming is a hoax:

1. Al Gore would have you believe that every scientist on Earth is saying that Global Warming is the fault of human behavior. This is completely bullshit, infact 17,000 scientists have signed a Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine petition saying that the release of human caused greenhouse gasses, is not scientifically proven to heat the atmosphere.

2. Now this will really get your blood boiling, (again no pun intended), the Earth actually hasn't started heating yet, yes thats right, the actual temperature of the Earth has not shown an overall trend of heating AT ALL.

3. Another idea to think about, and this could be a hot button topic to discuss, (ok I can't deny the pun's anylonger), over the course of history, The times where the Earth has shown unusually high temperatures are recorded as the most successfull times in human history. In 5000-3000 B.C., the optimum temperature period, (which is warmer than our current average), humans began building the first great civilizations. Yeah thats right, the hotter it is, the better we make the world

4. This part is gunna melt the roof off, (I deeply apologize ladies and gentlemen), the state and federal bills directed towards global warming, (that hopefully dont pass), would be imensely costly and would break state budgets entirely.

We as a country and a world have to realize that our Earth's temperature is not going to stay the same, it will fluctuate, and we will soldier on.

Rant Fest: Foreign Policy

Ok lets start this off by a quick demostration. Picture yourself living your normal life when all of a sudden these middle eastern troops start landing in America, they try to implement their views on government on you, they dictate your policies and if you dont comply then you are a terrorist. They can then wire your phone conversations, watch you on satillite, follow your every move. You as a citizen have your rights and you decide to fight back. You do whatever you can to fight off the invaders because that is what they are. It doesnt matter what doctrine they preach, they invaded your soverign country. They invaded your way of life. This is the everyday life of a middle easterner. The USA has literally invaded their country, and effectively invaded their culture, their way of life, and their privacy. There is a reason that Osama Bin Laden has declared war on America. He and They do not do it because they hate our way of life as you hear from the news and president. They do not hate us because we are free. THEY HATE US BECAUSE WE INVADED THEIR LIVES. This is reason you see muslims on tv throwing shoes at Bush. This is the reason they send death to america tapes to us. We are the invaders. We are the terrorists.

Salam Alaykum

Rant Fest: Biggie Smalls

I am a metal head. I play the guitar very frequently, im in a rudamentary band, and I hate rap music. With one exception. Biggie Smalls. The only rap I havent instantly turned off or vomited upon hearing, is Biggie. His husky voice and his flow are just crazy good. You just have to respect anyone that can rhyme like he can. He is different from the modern rap which mostly consists of PUSSY Drugs Pussy drugs and more pussy. His rap is actual real stories of his thug lifestyle. Songs like Somebodys Got To Die tell of his friends being shot and his anger and retaliation. Other songs like Warning are about thugs trying to "stick him for his paper". Hands down he is the greatest MC of all time. In honor of him I decided to translate one of his raps into white-english. Here is the Rap, In kickass black rapping.

Who is this person who is paging me so early in the morning, its the crack of dawn, and im yawning, I whipe the sleep out of my eyes. Who might it be that is paging me and what do they want. Its my friend Pop from the barbershop. He told me he was at the casino and heard the intricate plot of some people who want to kill me, woah buddy please calm down so i can follow you. Ok, The people from brownsville that you used to gamble with and smoke marajuana with told me that you were going to be attack for your money by people who you used to rob people with, when you were only making small ammounts of money. They heard you were rich now and want to kill you for your money. Thanks for warning me, i have a mac, tell me what i am supposed to do. Chorus *Oh darn it, these guys want to kill me for my money* repeated 3 times.

Who the fuck is this?pagin me at 5:46 in the mornin crack a dawninnow I'm yawnin, wipe the cold out my eyesee who's this pagin me and why..It's my nigga Pop from the barbershoptold me he was in the gamblin spot and heard the intricate plotsome people wanna stick you like fly paper neighbourslow down love please chill drop the caperremember them kidz from the hill up in Brownsvillethat you rolled dice witsmoked the blunts and got nice wityeah my little Fame up in Prospectnah dem my people nah love wouldn't disrespectI didn't say dem,they schooled me to some niggasthat you knew from back when,when you was clockin minor figuresNow they heard you blowin up like nitroknow they wanna stick the knifethrough your windpipe slow..so thank Fame for warnin me now I'm warnin youyou got the mac Biggietell me what you wanna do...[CHORUS]Damn niggas wanna stick me for my papers

thanks for reading.

Rant Fest: Why The Federal Reserve Can Eat My

I have trouble concieving how a national bank is in any way beneficial to our society. Something few people realize is that because of this bank, money is debt, and debt is money. Let me first explain that the last time our country had no debt was in the Andrew Jackson presidency in early 19th century. Yes. That is a long time ago. 2 centurys since we had no debt, but why didnt we have any. Because Jackson destroyed the federal bank. So after his presidency, and the banks reinstatement, we began to slowly aquire debt until this very second you are reading this. Why do we have debt. Because the Government says they want x ammount of bonds from the reserve and then the reserve prints this money out at 10 times the actual rate. Which means that if the US got bonds for 1 million dollars, technically this just created 10 million. So we have 9 million more dollars in circulation. This sounds great doesnt it, YAY WE HAVE MORE MONEY!!! No, you dont have more money. Why? Its a little thing called interest. Lets go back in history one more time. The continental, the first us currency during the revolutionary war, we printed the shit out of it until it was literally worth more as tinder than money. The interest rates soared causing the VALUE of the continental to plummet. So what has changed between then and today. NOTHING. That is why you see the Euro soaring over the Dollar. Its because these boneheads think they can just throw more money at the problem. The value of the dollar goes down, the price of living goes up. And the real killer is that without any of this debt that we have, we would have no money in circulation. Thats right, debt is literally money, and money is literally debt. I hope this realization did not give you an aneurism.

RANT FEST, WHY I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR TRUCK COMMERCIAL

OK. I have officially had enough of truck ads that claim they are more manly than other trucks. Screw that, noone gives a flying rats ass about your step to the cab addition. Get this, chevy claims that fords F-150 is "less manly" than their silverado because it has tech advances like heated steering wheel and seat and step up the to cab to make work easier. Ok. thats a cavemanish way of living life. Hey my hands will be freezing cold and I wont be able to get up onto the cab of my truck but HEY, Im more fucking manly than you. No, just no. Noone cares about how manly your truck is, except morons who have 10 cans of beer every afternoon. This is not worth my time while I watch football. Not at all. So take your manly truck and shove it right up your ass. Infact using their logic, I am more manly than their trucks. I dont have a step to my cab, I dont have a heating steering wheel, so guess what, im more manly than your truck.

Making Bets With Arabs and Crazy White Girls

Over my past few years at Kennedy High School I have been on the losing end of countless bets to a number of different people. One is an Egyptian imigrant by the name of "sandy". His betting is always based on luck, and last chance fortune. Our most recent bet was concerning the attendance of a person by the name of William. William is a well known absentee, and my bet was that he would not skip more than 1 day in a row, (in hopes that pure human decency would bring him to school). I was wrong. Twice. On the first day, I payed in cash 1 dollar to Abdullah. The next day, (being the 3rd consecutive day of his absense), I lost another 2 dollars. Being an unscrupulous bastard I paid said arab in dirty change from the darkest chasms of my car. This was no ordinary change, it was laced, tainted, with god knows what sticky liquid, crusted with crums, and I gave this to him in a bottle of pop, still sticky with sunkist. This change was bad. This change was wrong. This change is his.

On to my next story(s) of my betting with a woman by the name of Kajsa. Her betting prowess I can only attribute to pure, unadultered luck. Our bets usually intail me not showing up to school. I bet (having too much faith in myself) that I will attend every day of a term from some point till the end. I have not once won this bet. My grandmother, you see, she is sick, very ill, and to not take care of her would be a true crime. I "skip", as she so dastardly puts it, to take care of her, and I am subsequently charged for my "absense". On another occasion, I bet 10 dollars on which one of us could stay off AIM for the longest ammount of time. But this was no ordinary bet. This crazed lunatic, this heartless coward, decided to use another Instant messaging provider. Clearly the bet was against them all, but she, evil as she is, refused to acknowledge my arguements, collected my money.

The moral of this story, children, is not to bet with Arabs or Crazy white girls. This will only end in you being fishtailed, t-boned, whatever metaphore you want to use. Do not do this. Bet, instead, with old men, preferably overconfident grandpa's.

salam alaykum

Metallica: The Best Band Ever

Metallica, hands down, no questions asked, the bust goddamn band ever. Why, they pioneered the thrash metal genre, and have the best albums ever, Master of Puppets, and Ride the Lightning, they will melt your face off. They go much farther than any run of the mill rock band or heavy rock, they take the music one step further. Every song has a heartpumping riff that just makes you go crazy, not just a bunch of powerchords meshed with a faggy singer. Kirk's solos are just crazy awesome, and every other metal band somehow copies his amazing solo work. Lars invented tons of the drum sequences that bands still use today, most noteably of which was the double drum pedal thousand mile per hour beat that metalcore bands rely on today. James' voice is quite possibly the most recognized in all of metal. Songs like Puppets and Ride the lightning, and One make metallica the best metal band ever. These songs came out 10 years ago, and im still playing my guitar trying to master their crazy awesome riffs.

The Top 10 Movies Of All Time: Part 1

10. Saving Private Ryan: Without a doubt the most realistic world war 2 movie ever. The beginning scenes of Omaha Beach are the most incredibly raw and gut wrenching battle scenes I will ever see. Men being gunned down like dogs, and peoples guts being blown into oblivion is enough to make my sking crawl just thinking about it. This realism and raw filming of real events paired with the incredible acting by hanks and the flow of the story line easily puts this movie in my top 10 list. I would however caution any World War 2 veterans to not see this movie as the scenes are so horrific it could seriously disturb them.

9. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: I would be very remissed if I didnt include a star wars movie on my top 10 list. You and everyone else you know has heard the phrase "Luke, I am your father." You and everyone you known has also fantasized about flying through space in the millenium falcon and slashing at people with your light saber. This movie is permenantly ingraned into our culture and there is no end to the references, parodies, and copys of this incredible timeless movie and series.

8. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: This movie is without question the best love story Ive been able to sit through in the theatre. It is a medly of classic kung fu movie action, an epic plot, and a a beautiful love story. These elements combine together to make a very entertaining movie, and one that could squeeze out a few tears. Chow Yun Fat plays his part perfectly. It seems as though he is just being himself in every scene. It is definately the movie he is best known for, and it was a sure career maker.

7. Psycho: Yes, here it is, the movie that began the horror flick genre. The first slasher, the first screamer, the first shower murder scene that bore all the others, Hitchcocks Psycho. Also the music in this movie is without question the most fitting to a movie ever. It will get your blood pumping very qucikly, not for the feint of heart. A young woman on the run from her past life chooses to stay at the off the road Bates Hotel. Little does she know the owner is a psychopathic murderer who dresses up like momma, and "shes" a little pissed Norman is into her. Let the bloodbath begin....literally.

Which movie will take the cake? Keep reading!