Have you ever seen those kids walking around saying how "in love" they are with their highschool mates. I can think of nothing more painful to the eyes than seeing 2 morons making out in the hallway, and nothing more painful to the ears than hearing them say "i love you sooo much babbyyy booooo." This is not true. Why isnt it true? Because they are young idiots who are forced together by whimsical chance, who both find eachother attractice therefore they get together so they can hook up. This creates the need for the word love. They must find a way to justify their lust so they arent just whores with a constant "John". This is why there are teenage pregnancies, this is why there are suicides from complete morons who break up with their "special someone" because they just dont show they love eachother properly. Of course i shouldnt complain, if they do kill themselves, they do remove 1 more idiot gene from the world. That conceivably removes hundreds of generations of other over dramatic morons that could have surfaced from her ill fated eggs. Clearly darwin is at work here. If you are in a high school relationship, please examine the following points to see if you are a total moron.
#1. Do you say I love you more than once a day: If you do, congrats, you are a total moron. You do not love them. You only think you do because of that last episode of the OC where some idiot told some other idiot she loved him, and since they are cool, they are obviously right. If you are guilty of this, stop, maybe then you will only be a moron instead of a total moron.
#2. Do you make out in the hallways: If you do, please do us all a favor, and kill yourselves. Noone wants to see that. Noone. If you must do it, then ditch your next class, dont worry, youre probably failing it anyway.
#3. Do you update your facebook status to absolutely agonizing things such as <3<3 OMFG I LOVE GHF<3<3!!!!!!: If you do this, delete your facebook. This is completely idiotic. I would rather read the autopsy reports of 2000 brutally murdered cute puppies than read this update.
#4. Do you think your relationship is more adult than the other petty ones around you: If you do this, you are wrong. You may say, Ethan, you just dont get our relationship, we really do love eachother, and we are not just some petty fling. Wrong, yes you are. You are just as petty and idiotic as everyone else.
#5. If you say i love you to your partner in under 3 months, you are more than just a complete moron. You are a mind blowingly daft person, with a brain the size of an acorn, and the central nervous system of a paint sniffer who cant wipe himself anymore.
As a final note, I will say, it is conceivable for very rare occurences of love to exist between HS students, this can only occur if both people have been with each other for 80% of their HS education, and did not say i love you until at least 6 months into the relationship.
I do not want idiotic messages from idiotic people telling me that I have never been in love and therefore dont know what im talking about. Do not presume to know anything about my personal life and make accusations about me. I have had relationships in HS, and I am talking on experience here. End rant.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Facebook Is Not Your Therapist: The Henious Transformation Of the Facebook Status Update
Alrighty, where to begin. I have noticed a very unsettling trend over recent weeks of status updates getting gloomier and gloomier. I know its winter and everythingm and its the middle of the school year where, lets face it, everyone wants the "sun to come out." This however, is not an excuse for the mishandling of ones social networking device. The Facebook status update, by its very nature, is meant to inform people on what you are doing, for example; "Yay spring break, who wants to go see Watchmen?", or " Im having SOO much fun in New York!". This update tells your friends where you are, what you are doing, or it is to invite people to some place, or inform them on what you will be doing. Some exceptions to this rule are as follows; "UGHH im home sick in bed, cant do anything" , "Im busy at work, call txt". This fuction, as just demostrated, can be used to say that you are busy and cannot talk, so instead of fb, try my phone. This is what the status update is for. Now lets delve into what it isnt supposed to be used for.
#1. First and formost, facebook status updates are not meant for you to tell the world how in love you are with person X. This is not where you are, this is not what youre doing, this isnt what you will be doing, or telling whether youre sick or at work, it is not informative, it is annoying and unnecesary. Common rebuttles would be, Ethan you dont know what its like to be in love so get off my back, actually, i do know, and i had the common sense to keep person thoughts on personal relationships, my personal business. Please have to common courtesy to save my morning vomit for seeing i forgot a math test, instead of me reading how many kisses you want to give <3<3 Mary Hada Littlelamb <3 <3.
#2. Facebook is not a therapy device for you to write such depressing status' as; "I hate my fucking life", "Fuck my life", "I am a piece of crap, i deserved what happened to me", "Someone please kill me", or "Im gunna take a bath with my toaster!". These updates are malodramatic, and very annoying to have flash up on my home screen. Take note of normal people, who make their status' about whatever happyness they find in their life. Be an optimistic person. Dont write horrendous status' about your depression on facebook, blow it out of proportion and just make every feel like shit. This transferral of moods can be compared to a streptococcus bacterial infection. Do you want to be streptococcus...no you do not. So please stop. Arguements that people will use against me to justify their existance as bacteria, "Its NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW I FEEL" ---ok, yes that is true, BUT YOURE THE IDIOT WHO POSTED IT ON FB. I didnt choose to read it, i didnt click on anything to see it, it was on my homepage as an update.
Consider happyness. It is a strage idea i know. I have crappy parts about my life, but i choose not to dwell on them and post them on FB to garner effection from others and attention from my peers who have nothing better to do then ask you why you "Feel like drinking the detergent". If we can agree to stop these things, FB, and for that matter THE ENTIRE WORLD, would be a happier place. End rant.
#1. First and formost, facebook status updates are not meant for you to tell the world how in love you are with person X. This is not where you are, this is not what youre doing, this isnt what you will be doing, or telling whether youre sick or at work, it is not informative, it is annoying and unnecesary. Common rebuttles would be, Ethan you dont know what its like to be in love so get off my back, actually, i do know, and i had the common sense to keep person thoughts on personal relationships, my personal business. Please have to common courtesy to save my morning vomit for seeing i forgot a math test, instead of me reading how many kisses you want to give <3<3 Mary Hada Littlelamb <3 <3.
#2. Facebook is not a therapy device for you to write such depressing status' as; "I hate my fucking life", "Fuck my life", "I am a piece of crap, i deserved what happened to me", "Someone please kill me", or "Im gunna take a bath with my toaster!". These updates are malodramatic, and very annoying to have flash up on my home screen. Take note of normal people, who make their status' about whatever happyness they find in their life. Be an optimistic person. Dont write horrendous status' about your depression on facebook, blow it out of proportion and just make every feel like shit. This transferral of moods can be compared to a streptococcus bacterial infection. Do you want to be streptococcus...no you do not. So please stop. Arguements that people will use against me to justify their existance as bacteria, "Its NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS HOW I FEEL" ---ok, yes that is true, BUT YOURE THE IDIOT WHO POSTED IT ON FB. I didnt choose to read it, i didnt click on anything to see it, it was on my homepage as an update.
Consider happyness. It is a strage idea i know. I have crappy parts about my life, but i choose not to dwell on them and post them on FB to garner effection from others and attention from my peers who have nothing better to do then ask you why you "Feel like drinking the detergent". If we can agree to stop these things, FB, and for that matter THE ENTIRE WORLD, would be a happier place. End rant.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
A Not-So-Modest Proposal
After being inspired by a recent essay read in class, I have formulated a plan to save the US economy. Here goes nuthin.
After noticing the economy going up in flames, I have accumulated a small list of ideas to tackle the situation.
Phase 1: Everyone who is working at or who once worked at any big bank corporation such as JP Morgan, Citi Bank, ect.. should be taken to New Mexico, where upon arrival they will dig a massive trench 15 feet deep, and a mile long. Upon completion of said task, they will be lined up infront of said trench in single file while facing the trench. After completion of this queue, armed gunmen will arrive in trucks and gun down everyone into said trench. Finally the trench will be filled by newly hired, legal, once unemployed workers that complain illegals get every job. They will make minumum wage. Also to prevent any sort of demonic spirits from escaping the bodies of the rotting bankers, the hole will be surrounded by new churches and newly hired priests and paranormal investigators.
Phase 2: Every Congressmen who has ever voted to raise their own salary, and every congressmen who has ever be involved in any scandal whatsoever will be tied to pieces of US Steel, and thrown into a large lake. After their bodys decompose, cleaning services will be hired to create more jobs.
Phase 3: Anyone who is involved with a company who gives obscene bonuses from tax bailout dollars to its multimillion dollar CEO's will be sent to an area on the outskirts of a rainforest where they will be made to ly down. They will then be ran over by US workers paid to drive US made electric cars until everyone is dead. Then a team of US employed botanists will plant US made genetically altered trees to increase the size of the rainforest phinominally and thus reduce the effects of global warming.
Phase 4: The office of the Fed, or the Federal Bank will be vaporized along with 5 trillion US dollars and Ben Bernake. This will remove an uncostitutional, inflation mass producing house of money whores from the world, and will also reduce the money in circulation to drive up the price of the dollar, and lastly it will also rid the world of its most moronic man, Ben Bernake.
Phase 5: Anyone who has ever gotten away with reducing the funding of electric powered cars, hydrogen cars, or any alternative fuel cars, will be crucified upsidedown on US made crosses.
Phase 6: Big Oil companys will be destroyed, because due to more efficient energy, they are no longer needed. Anyone who ever rose the price of gas due to it being the only way to get around will be boiled alive in their own oil, and they will pay for what they boil in at their own high prices.
These 6 simple phases will remove the scum of the Earth, Create new efficient cars and services, reduce the need for foreign oil, stimulate the economy with new jobs, reduce the effects of global warming, new clean energys, no more hyperinflation, the dollar will be worth more, no more opressive banks and ponsi scemes. Ummm, pretty sure that covers everything.
After noticing the economy going up in flames, I have accumulated a small list of ideas to tackle the situation.
Phase 1: Everyone who is working at or who once worked at any big bank corporation such as JP Morgan, Citi Bank, ect.. should be taken to New Mexico, where upon arrival they will dig a massive trench 15 feet deep, and a mile long. Upon completion of said task, they will be lined up infront of said trench in single file while facing the trench. After completion of this queue, armed gunmen will arrive in trucks and gun down everyone into said trench. Finally the trench will be filled by newly hired, legal, once unemployed workers that complain illegals get every job. They will make minumum wage. Also to prevent any sort of demonic spirits from escaping the bodies of the rotting bankers, the hole will be surrounded by new churches and newly hired priests and paranormal investigators.
Phase 2: Every Congressmen who has ever voted to raise their own salary, and every congressmen who has ever be involved in any scandal whatsoever will be tied to pieces of US Steel, and thrown into a large lake. After their bodys decompose, cleaning services will be hired to create more jobs.
Phase 3: Anyone who is involved with a company who gives obscene bonuses from tax bailout dollars to its multimillion dollar CEO's will be sent to an area on the outskirts of a rainforest where they will be made to ly down. They will then be ran over by US workers paid to drive US made electric cars until everyone is dead. Then a team of US employed botanists will plant US made genetically altered trees to increase the size of the rainforest phinominally and thus reduce the effects of global warming.
Phase 4: The office of the Fed, or the Federal Bank will be vaporized along with 5 trillion US dollars and Ben Bernake. This will remove an uncostitutional, inflation mass producing house of money whores from the world, and will also reduce the money in circulation to drive up the price of the dollar, and lastly it will also rid the world of its most moronic man, Ben Bernake.
Phase 5: Anyone who has ever gotten away with reducing the funding of electric powered cars, hydrogen cars, or any alternative fuel cars, will be crucified upsidedown on US made crosses.
Phase 6: Big Oil companys will be destroyed, because due to more efficient energy, they are no longer needed. Anyone who ever rose the price of gas due to it being the only way to get around will be boiled alive in their own oil, and they will pay for what they boil in at their own high prices.
These 6 simple phases will remove the scum of the Earth, Create new efficient cars and services, reduce the need for foreign oil, stimulate the economy with new jobs, reduce the effects of global warming, new clean energys, no more hyperinflation, the dollar will be worth more, no more opressive banks and ponsi scemes. Ummm, pretty sure that covers everything.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
A Canticle For Cheapowitz: A Review Of The Dollar Menu
Here it is, the long awaited top 5 dollar menus in Cedar Rapids.
5. Burger King: A very simple dollar menu, a chicken and burger choice that are both acceptable to the poor mans budget, and fast ready. However, the smell of the whopper jr. is the most odiferous smell Imagine being served as food other than potato salad, and thats saying something. It stems mostly from the presence of pickles and mayonaise poured on by somone saying "say when" to hellen keller. Pickles, while on thinking about it, are nasty little buggers. They taste terrible, and come on everything. I propose a bill in the house that will make the induction of pickles to ones burgers on request only. This will save hours of my life from having to pick them off. The chicken is acceptable.
4. Mikkidees- This place is disgusting. Flat up, it makes me sick to go in here because of its nasty environment and the shere number of people that eat there. However, I do give them credit for revolutionizing the dollar menu with the first double cheese burger. No good toppings whatsoever, just a nasty, but still double, cheeseburger. Why are dollar menus good? Because it sacrifices taste for price and the ablility to fill you up. Mcdonalds has proved this with its nasty-ass food yet 100 billion orders served.
3. KFC-This joint get the #3 spot for 2 reasons. The 1 dollar snacker, which is quite possibly the most changable 1 dollar treat this earth has ever seen. It comes in buffalo, origional, crunchy, cheesy, and bbq. It by its very nature, is absolutely delicious. The next and final reason is the home fries they serve, which are very good. Thanks to the snacker we can finally have a decent dollar menu chicken order.
2. Arbys-pick 5 for 5.95. Techically not a dollar for every unit, but after tax, it is like 530, so get over it. Lets begin with the jamoca shake, which by its very nature is delicious, this is why this dollar menu warrents a spot at #4. Also in this menu we have the Arbys melt, which is not necessarily as good as a hamburger (because hamburgers kick ass), but in general is acceptable. 3 words, curley fries rock, the best 1 dollar fry out there for sure. Finally there is the potato cakes, and motzerella sticks order which are both very good and very bad for you.
1. Wendy's- There are a number of reasons why Wendy's has the best dollar menu, for 1, it broke the crap-price barrier that states for 1 dollar food must taste bad. Why does wendy's taste good? Tomatos. They come on everything, and it gives the place a sense of some cleanliness and a small hint of health. Lets attack all of their dollar menu selections 1 by 1. First are formost we have the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, it comes with tomatos (yum), and bacon, 2 things never before seen on a dollar menu. Its delicious. Next we have the Double stack. This burger is the most beastly cheeseburger the world has ever seen on a dollar menu. It tackles hunger and the taste buds. Finally we have the crispy chicken sandwhich. Now dont get me wrong, its no snacker, but it gets the job done, far better than the McDonalds McChicken. Congrats to Wendys for the innovation of the dollar menu, and the breaking of the crap to price barrier.
5. Burger King: A very simple dollar menu, a chicken and burger choice that are both acceptable to the poor mans budget, and fast ready. However, the smell of the whopper jr. is the most odiferous smell Imagine being served as food other than potato salad, and thats saying something. It stems mostly from the presence of pickles and mayonaise poured on by somone saying "say when" to hellen keller. Pickles, while on thinking about it, are nasty little buggers. They taste terrible, and come on everything. I propose a bill in the house that will make the induction of pickles to ones burgers on request only. This will save hours of my life from having to pick them off. The chicken is acceptable.
4. Mikkidees- This place is disgusting. Flat up, it makes me sick to go in here because of its nasty environment and the shere number of people that eat there. However, I do give them credit for revolutionizing the dollar menu with the first double cheese burger. No good toppings whatsoever, just a nasty, but still double, cheeseburger. Why are dollar menus good? Because it sacrifices taste for price and the ablility to fill you up. Mcdonalds has proved this with its nasty-ass food yet 100 billion orders served.
3. KFC-This joint get the #3 spot for 2 reasons. The 1 dollar snacker, which is quite possibly the most changable 1 dollar treat this earth has ever seen. It comes in buffalo, origional, crunchy, cheesy, and bbq. It by its very nature, is absolutely delicious. The next and final reason is the home fries they serve, which are very good. Thanks to the snacker we can finally have a decent dollar menu chicken order.
2. Arbys-pick 5 for 5.95. Techically not a dollar for every unit, but after tax, it is like 530, so get over it. Lets begin with the jamoca shake, which by its very nature is delicious, this is why this dollar menu warrents a spot at #4. Also in this menu we have the Arbys melt, which is not necessarily as good as a hamburger (because hamburgers kick ass), but in general is acceptable. 3 words, curley fries rock, the best 1 dollar fry out there for sure. Finally there is the potato cakes, and motzerella sticks order which are both very good and very bad for you.
1. Wendy's- There are a number of reasons why Wendy's has the best dollar menu, for 1, it broke the crap-price barrier that states for 1 dollar food must taste bad. Why does wendy's taste good? Tomatos. They come on everything, and it gives the place a sense of some cleanliness and a small hint of health. Lets attack all of their dollar menu selections 1 by 1. First are formost we have the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, it comes with tomatos (yum), and bacon, 2 things never before seen on a dollar menu. Its delicious. Next we have the Double stack. This burger is the most beastly cheeseburger the world has ever seen on a dollar menu. It tackles hunger and the taste buds. Finally we have the crispy chicken sandwhich. Now dont get me wrong, its no snacker, but it gets the job done, far better than the McDonalds McChicken. Congrats to Wendys for the innovation of the dollar menu, and the breaking of the crap to price barrier.
A Brief Synopsis Of Air Travel
Recently my family and I went to Florida for our vacation, and of course this required air travel. We arrived at the airport at around 530 in the morning, and I was not in the mood for problems. However, due to Murphys Law and an 8 person crew, it was inavoidable. Bags took about 20 minutes to check in due to 4 women and their plethora of carry on and stow away bags.
After this borathon, we moved on to security. This was when I began to be annoyed. I was forced to take off my shoes and coat, because, obviously, I am a suspected terrorist with a blade in my shoe, and a grenade in my coat pocket. Next, my shaving cream, which, due to my extremely manly beard, was an absolute necsesity, was taken from because, "It is over 3 oz." I then proceded to walk through the metal detector 3 times, for my cell phone. my change, and my belt, consecutively. Finally, after a 1 hour layaway we boarded our flight from Cedar Rapids to Detroit.
To adaquately describe the size and smell of the aircraft, one must forcibly put ones head inside of a 10 year old boys shoe with foot fungus. Our stewardess was an anorixic 22 year old who was chewing bubble gum and contemplating over her ever stimulating people magazine. Fortunately we were off the plane in a reasonable time.
Our next task was hunting down food in a crowded airport. I carfully observed my surroundings and spotted a burger king, it had all the qualitys of teenage prey; cheap, full of "energy", and quick, and usually the prey is quite tasty. This particular animal however, was horrid. It was staffed by sweat drenched automatons who could barley count change, and could definately not cook a burger. I consumed the prey and moved on to my next challenge of survival; escape from hell. The layover at detroit was horrendous. I sat on a chair at my gate, and to my horror and disgust, there was a small problem. Before I disclose exactly what it was, I will first explain. At airports, there are alot of windows, doors, and ways into the building, and birds tend to find themselves going through them. They even have trees inside of the airport to accomodate them. The birds also have access to food, and the ones who dont die from consuming the Burger King, live to poop another day, which leads to me and my seat soaked in bird feces.
adieu
After this borathon, we moved on to security. This was when I began to be annoyed. I was forced to take off my shoes and coat, because, obviously, I am a suspected terrorist with a blade in my shoe, and a grenade in my coat pocket. Next, my shaving cream, which, due to my extremely manly beard, was an absolute necsesity, was taken from because, "It is over 3 oz." I then proceded to walk through the metal detector 3 times, for my cell phone. my change, and my belt, consecutively. Finally, after a 1 hour layaway we boarded our flight from Cedar Rapids to Detroit.
To adaquately describe the size and smell of the aircraft, one must forcibly put ones head inside of a 10 year old boys shoe with foot fungus. Our stewardess was an anorixic 22 year old who was chewing bubble gum and contemplating over her ever stimulating people magazine. Fortunately we were off the plane in a reasonable time.
Our next task was hunting down food in a crowded airport. I carfully observed my surroundings and spotted a burger king, it had all the qualitys of teenage prey; cheap, full of "energy", and quick, and usually the prey is quite tasty. This particular animal however, was horrid. It was staffed by sweat drenched automatons who could barley count change, and could definately not cook a burger. I consumed the prey and moved on to my next challenge of survival; escape from hell. The layover at detroit was horrendous. I sat on a chair at my gate, and to my horror and disgust, there was a small problem. Before I disclose exactly what it was, I will first explain. At airports, there are alot of windows, doors, and ways into the building, and birds tend to find themselves going through them. They even have trees inside of the airport to accomodate them. The birds also have access to food, and the ones who dont die from consuming the Burger King, live to poop another day, which leads to me and my seat soaked in bird feces.
adieu
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