Monday, February 23, 2009
Hotel Review of Motel 6 Cedar Rapids
The Motel 6 in Cedar Rapids Iowa, off the hawkeye downs exit is a disgusting excuse for rentable space. The floors are stained with an alien liquid that I can only assume is vomit, or grandmas potato salad. The general smell of the entire complex is that of a racoon doused in its own urine. The staff of the hotel is nonexistant. The only person working at any given moment is the front desk manager, but to describe her personality I must first illustrate her work environment. The desk itself was a disgusting light blue, almost like a carnival childs vomit after too much cotton candy. The pamplet stack suggesting places to go in Cedar Rapids is a complete disgrace, filled only with directions to local movie theatres and all you can eat buffets. The wallpaper, god, the wallpaper, was a strange green color, almost like a mashed pea. You could have found more cheer in a graveyard. Now we get to the attendant. I normally do not care about the appearance of other people, because frankly, I dont care. But again, to adaquately describe her I must include her looks. Her hair had not been showered in days. It was if she put her head in an Arby's fryer. She sported a mustache of which I can not equal. Her teeth looked as though she took them out and soaked them in Mountain Dew all night. She smelled like ferrel cat with irritable bowel sydrome. Now onto the room. The bathroom to be exact. It was a horrifying experience to say the least. It was about the size of a box of matches, and the toilet was soaked in god knows who or whats urine. Remnants of someones last bowel movement was smeared on the side of the bowl, and the smell, god, the smell. Overall its rating is a 1/10. The one is only because there was a free porn channel.
Ways to Reduce the Time Untill Retirement
1. Dont give allowance to your kids
2. Eat 2 meals a day, who needs 3
3. Dont go to the doctor for that cold, just wait out man
4. Ice cream trucks should be avoided at all times
5. Dollar menus
6. No pets, if you do have 1, break its neck, remember, bullets cost money.
7. Turn the heat down in the winter, remember newspaper is a good insulator, but steal your neighbors, because they cost money.
8. Turn the AC off in the summer, naked is a great look, especially cause clothes cost money.
9. Wipe your butt with a towel, remember, toilet paper costs money.
10. Dont rent movies, download them for free on your computer.
2. Eat 2 meals a day, who needs 3
3. Dont go to the doctor for that cold, just wait out man
4. Ice cream trucks should be avoided at all times
5. Dollar menus
6. No pets, if you do have 1, break its neck, remember, bullets cost money.
7. Turn the heat down in the winter, remember newspaper is a good insulator, but steal your neighbors, because they cost money.
8. Turn the AC off in the summer, naked is a great look, especially cause clothes cost money.
9. Wipe your butt with a towel, remember, toilet paper costs money.
10. Dont rent movies, download them for free on your computer.
Fast Food Proposal
Thank you for viewing my blog, I hope you werent too set on a new post about paintball. Today is all business people. I want to discuss a business oppurtunity for you all. You have the great honor of becoming an investor in my new Fast Food restaurant, Meato's.
What exactly is Meato's? It is a Fast Food joint where you go to stuff your gullet. You see it off the road. You like meat. You stop by. You walk up to the counter to order your meaty dish and you look at the menu. What do you see? You see a wall covered with only 3 possible orders. They are 3 burgers, they are massive, they are greasey, and they will destroy you.
Our first burger is the MACH 1. This burger is capable of slaying a small animal, such as an opossum or a house cat. The buns are greasey pieces of fried bread, then there is a piece of sloppy cheese, onions, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, then there is the kahuna. The massive slab of hamburger meat encompasses an area of 36 pi inches squared or 6 inches in diameter. This bad boy has more meat than Ron Jeremy, it will fill the largest, harriest man alive. Please order with the knowledge that this could devastate your bowels for at least 10 hours.
Our second slice of heaven is the MACH 2. This burger is capable of putting down a small child. Needless to say, you have to sign an agreement to serve this to Jr. If you order this burger, it comes with a side of pepto. Your bowels will be destroyed. Diarhea is imenent. It will be dark and runny, and it will not be funny. Do NOT and I repeat DO NOT take public transportation after consuming this monster. Symptoms of comsumption will include anal seepage, blood in the stool. diahrea, thoughts of suicide, acts of suicide, developing of stomach ulcers, stomach stretch marks, and in children, sure death.
Finally for a limited time offer, we have the Mach 3. It is named this for a reason. It shoots through your system at 3 times the speed of sound. Your body is so eager to remove the toxin that peristalsis is supercharged. This burger has been used as a tranquilizer for large ferrel bull elephants. To bad George Orwell didnt know about this. The quick transition from stable to death is a common way of suicide for emo teens. Why cut yourself when you can consume a deliciously deadly hunk of meat. There is 1 symtom. Death.
We also offer a house salad for those too weak to eat meat.
Thank you for your time.
What exactly is Meato's? It is a Fast Food joint where you go to stuff your gullet. You see it off the road. You like meat. You stop by. You walk up to the counter to order your meaty dish and you look at the menu. What do you see? You see a wall covered with only 3 possible orders. They are 3 burgers, they are massive, they are greasey, and they will destroy you.
Our first burger is the MACH 1. This burger is capable of slaying a small animal, such as an opossum or a house cat. The buns are greasey pieces of fried bread, then there is a piece of sloppy cheese, onions, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, then there is the kahuna. The massive slab of hamburger meat encompasses an area of 36 pi inches squared or 6 inches in diameter. This bad boy has more meat than Ron Jeremy, it will fill the largest, harriest man alive. Please order with the knowledge that this could devastate your bowels for at least 10 hours.
Our second slice of heaven is the MACH 2. This burger is capable of putting down a small child. Needless to say, you have to sign an agreement to serve this to Jr. If you order this burger, it comes with a side of pepto. Your bowels will be destroyed. Diarhea is imenent. It will be dark and runny, and it will not be funny. Do NOT and I repeat DO NOT take public transportation after consuming this monster. Symptoms of comsumption will include anal seepage, blood in the stool. diahrea, thoughts of suicide, acts of suicide, developing of stomach ulcers, stomach stretch marks, and in children, sure death.
Finally for a limited time offer, we have the Mach 3. It is named this for a reason. It shoots through your system at 3 times the speed of sound. Your body is so eager to remove the toxin that peristalsis is supercharged. This burger has been used as a tranquilizer for large ferrel bull elephants. To bad George Orwell didnt know about this. The quick transition from stable to death is a common way of suicide for emo teens. Why cut yourself when you can consume a deliciously deadly hunk of meat. There is 1 symtom. Death.
We also offer a house salad for those too weak to eat meat.
Thank you for your time.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Wait A Second....
So we get nailed on 9/11. Terrorists from around the Middle East attack our soil in an effort to make their point. President Bush uses this event as an excuse to attack Iraq. All of this seems like its coorelated doesnt it? I mean the iraqi's are arabs, they must have been part of the attack. Wrong. Dead wrong. 9 of the 9/11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia. 9 of them. How many were from Iraq? 0. ZERO. NADA. So that excuse to attack Iraq is total horseshit. Now think about this. Why didnt we attack Saudi Arabia? Why, because they are our best buddies. Bush and cheney love the saudis. They are our oil buddies. Just a little food for thought.
The bias in your news and politics
Every time you turn on your television you are pumped with whatever emotions the network wants you to be pumped with. The kung fu channel wants you to be pumped with adrenaline and excitement, Comedy Central wants you to be pumped with laughter and happyness, and the cabel news networks want you to be pumped with fear and anxiety. Feelings of fear and anxiety cause you to do one thing above all others, watch the news. You see suicide bombings, dead marines hanging off bridges, pictures of men in turbans, and you think to yourself, these people are scary and these people are bad. They are using these images and this rhetoric to make you think a certain way. Every news station claims no bias in their reporting but that is a load of crap. Everyone who watches Keith Olbermann and knows this guy is a left wing man, and you see Bill O'Reilly and you know hes a left wing man. They both claim "No spin" but everyone sees it. Noone who is unbiased uses the phrase "left wing loon" ten times per show. This isnt just cabel news either, its also in your magazines. Time for instance had Obama on the cover perhaps 20 times during the campaign season and nearing the end of the race. Mccain probably 4. What does this mean to you. Do you think Time was pulling for McCain? No. No you do not. Its the subtletys that will end up getting to you. If you want real news, unbiased news, youll have to watch....oh wait, there isnt any.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Top 10 Worst People You Will Encounter And How To Avoid Them
The Worst People on Earth Top 10 List
10. The Emotion Guru?: If youre upset about something, you dont want morons like this asking you whats wrong, its your problem, not theirs. Usually female. Avoid this person by putting on a great poker face at all times. Give them nothing. If they call you grumpy for not showing emotion, simply apply the middle finger.
9. The Quizmaster: This person is the one in your class that raises his/ or most likely her hand at least 10 times a day. They will be trivial questions, for example "When are we going to start studying for the AP Exam", or " How come we always have to have D lunch." You know this person. You hate this person. They are usually at least 10 decibles louder than everyone else around you, they are usually very peppy, and always very stupid. Avoid this person by sitting the fathest possible seat away, also apply ipod.
8. The Weather Man: This is the person in your class who predicts your early outs. Usually a man, he will attempt to overblow even the most minute ammount of snow into a 3 foot blizzard. He is usually very confident, and may even attempt making bets with you over the likelyhood. Accept the bet, count your winnings, and to drown out his whining, apply ipod.
7. The English Major: This person will correct your incorrect uses of the english language whenever he/she has the chance. It is usually a teacher. Common ways to spot this person are as follows; He/She answer the question, "Can I go to the bathroom?", with, "I dont know, can you?", or corrects your use of good with well. The best way to avoid this person is to watch every word you say, and give them no opportunity for retribution. Also to drown out the noise of him/her correcting others, apply ipod.
6. The Peddler: This person is the one carrying around a box of some kind of exotic candy or chocolate, asking everyone and anything in sight to purchase one for a dollar. Gender Indeterminate. This usually creates a 3-5 minute chaos in between class periods, sometimes encroaching on the start of the new period. To avoid this person, do not purchase his/her wares, also sit as far away as possible to avoid candy rush, and to drown out noise of ensuing chaos, apply ipod.
5. The Beggar: This person will ask to have anything from 1-125 cents in order to purchase a soda, lead for his/her pencil, colored pencil use, money to buy candy from #6, and your homework answers. This is most likely a less intelligent man. In order to avoid this person, keep all money in backpack, claim to have not done your homework, use normal pencils, and if they continue to beg, to drown out noise, apply ipod.
4. The Macho Man: This person is usually a very athletic male,(rare occasions female), who talkes constantly about how much he lifts. He will stretch his arms and say ouch in order for someone to ask him whats wrong, (usual answer will be from #10), he will then reply, "My workout was really extreme last night." To avoid the person, respond to his ouch with a witty comeback such as, "Daddy went a little rough last night eh?" Also to drown out his other attempts at glory by applying ipod.
3. The Cheerleader: This is a woman who is far to peppy to be living. She will practice her chants in class, she will lead every "go cougars" outburst, and will not stop smiling until she goes home and bitches out mommy. She is to be avoided by gaining a stable reputation as anti-peppy, or jerky. To drown out her idiotic blather, apply ipod.
2. The Bitch: This is always a girl, likely to be dirty, and always very stupid. On the days she does come to class, she will utter the phrase "Bitch ass mother fucker" at least twice, and may even call another girl, (likely #3) a "cum guzzling gutter slut". Avoid her by not talking to her, looking at her, or even sitting near her. To drown out her bitchiness, apply ipod.
1. The comedian: This is always a guy, he thinks he is the most funny person on the planet. His attitude is perfected to amplify his lack of intelligence, and his need for constant attention. He seeks laughter by doing outragious things, acting like a moron. To avoid this person, Do not laugh at any of his jokes, frequently roll your eyes and wisper loudly to your friend, "What a fucking moron!" Finally to drown out his moronic blather and the laughter of equally moronic people, smash your head against a wall, and hope to wake up next period. To ease your sunsequent headache, apply soft music on your ipod.
10. The Emotion Guru?: If youre upset about something, you dont want morons like this asking you whats wrong, its your problem, not theirs. Usually female. Avoid this person by putting on a great poker face at all times. Give them nothing. If they call you grumpy for not showing emotion, simply apply the middle finger.
9. The Quizmaster: This person is the one in your class that raises his/ or most likely her hand at least 10 times a day. They will be trivial questions, for example "When are we going to start studying for the AP Exam", or " How come we always have to have D lunch." You know this person. You hate this person. They are usually at least 10 decibles louder than everyone else around you, they are usually very peppy, and always very stupid. Avoid this person by sitting the fathest possible seat away, also apply ipod.
8. The Weather Man: This is the person in your class who predicts your early outs. Usually a man, he will attempt to overblow even the most minute ammount of snow into a 3 foot blizzard. He is usually very confident, and may even attempt making bets with you over the likelyhood. Accept the bet, count your winnings, and to drown out his whining, apply ipod.
7. The English Major: This person will correct your incorrect uses of the english language whenever he/she has the chance. It is usually a teacher. Common ways to spot this person are as follows; He/She answer the question, "Can I go to the bathroom?", with, "I dont know, can you?", or corrects your use of good with well. The best way to avoid this person is to watch every word you say, and give them no opportunity for retribution. Also to drown out the noise of him/her correcting others, apply ipod.
6. The Peddler: This person is the one carrying around a box of some kind of exotic candy or chocolate, asking everyone and anything in sight to purchase one for a dollar. Gender Indeterminate. This usually creates a 3-5 minute chaos in between class periods, sometimes encroaching on the start of the new period. To avoid this person, do not purchase his/her wares, also sit as far away as possible to avoid candy rush, and to drown out noise of ensuing chaos, apply ipod.
5. The Beggar: This person will ask to have anything from 1-125 cents in order to purchase a soda, lead for his/her pencil, colored pencil use, money to buy candy from #6, and your homework answers. This is most likely a less intelligent man. In order to avoid this person, keep all money in backpack, claim to have not done your homework, use normal pencils, and if they continue to beg, to drown out noise, apply ipod.
4. The Macho Man: This person is usually a very athletic male,(rare occasions female), who talkes constantly about how much he lifts. He will stretch his arms and say ouch in order for someone to ask him whats wrong, (usual answer will be from #10), he will then reply, "My workout was really extreme last night." To avoid the person, respond to his ouch with a witty comeback such as, "Daddy went a little rough last night eh?" Also to drown out his other attempts at glory by applying ipod.
3. The Cheerleader: This is a woman who is far to peppy to be living. She will practice her chants in class, she will lead every "go cougars" outburst, and will not stop smiling until she goes home and bitches out mommy. She is to be avoided by gaining a stable reputation as anti-peppy, or jerky. To drown out her idiotic blather, apply ipod.
2. The Bitch: This is always a girl, likely to be dirty, and always very stupid. On the days she does come to class, she will utter the phrase "Bitch ass mother fucker" at least twice, and may even call another girl, (likely #3) a "cum guzzling gutter slut". Avoid her by not talking to her, looking at her, or even sitting near her. To drown out her bitchiness, apply ipod.
1. The comedian: This is always a guy, he thinks he is the most funny person on the planet. His attitude is perfected to amplify his lack of intelligence, and his need for constant attention. He seeks laughter by doing outragious things, acting like a moron. To avoid this person, Do not laugh at any of his jokes, frequently roll your eyes and wisper loudly to your friend, "What a fucking moron!" Finally to drown out his moronic blather and the laughter of equally moronic people, smash your head against a wall, and hope to wake up next period. To ease your sunsequent headache, apply soft music on your ipod.
Rant Fest: Global Warming
The Earth goes through natural periods of temperature change. There have been ice ages, and heat waves all throughout history and before cars existed. This is the way the world works (no pun intended). Global Warming is a hoax. End of story. Now lets go back to the basics. What exactly is Global Warming. Public Broadcastic defines it as such:
Global Warming: The hypothesis that Earth's atmosphere is warming because of the release of "greenhouse gases," such as carbon dioxide. These gases are released into the air from burning gas, oil, coal, wood and other resources which then holds heat in an action similar to the walls of a greenhouse. - Source, Public Broadcasting Service
Reasons why global warming is a hoax:
1. Al Gore would have you believe that every scientist on Earth is saying that Global Warming is the fault of human behavior. This is completely bullshit, infact 17,000 scientists have signed a Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine petition saying that the release of human caused greenhouse gasses, is not scientifically proven to heat the atmosphere.
2. Now this will really get your blood boiling, (again no pun intended), the Earth actually hasn't started heating yet, yes thats right, the actual temperature of the Earth has not shown an overall trend of heating AT ALL.
3. Another idea to think about, and this could be a hot button topic to discuss, (ok I can't deny the pun's anylonger), over the course of history, The times where the Earth has shown unusually high temperatures are recorded as the most successfull times in human history. In 5000-3000 B.C., the optimum temperature period, (which is warmer than our current average), humans began building the first great civilizations. Yeah thats right, the hotter it is, the better we make the world
4. This part is gunna melt the roof off, (I deeply apologize ladies and gentlemen), the state and federal bills directed towards global warming, (that hopefully dont pass), would be imensely costly and would break state budgets entirely.
We as a country and a world have to realize that our Earth's temperature is not going to stay the same, it will fluctuate, and we will soldier on.
Global Warming: The hypothesis that Earth's atmosphere is warming because of the release of "greenhouse gases," such as carbon dioxide. These gases are released into the air from burning gas, oil, coal, wood and other resources which then holds heat in an action similar to the walls of a greenhouse. - Source, Public Broadcasting Service
Reasons why global warming is a hoax:
1. Al Gore would have you believe that every scientist on Earth is saying that Global Warming is the fault of human behavior. This is completely bullshit, infact 17,000 scientists have signed a Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine petition saying that the release of human caused greenhouse gasses, is not scientifically proven to heat the atmosphere.
2. Now this will really get your blood boiling, (again no pun intended), the Earth actually hasn't started heating yet, yes thats right, the actual temperature of the Earth has not shown an overall trend of heating AT ALL.
3. Another idea to think about, and this could be a hot button topic to discuss, (ok I can't deny the pun's anylonger), over the course of history, The times where the Earth has shown unusually high temperatures are recorded as the most successfull times in human history. In 5000-3000 B.C., the optimum temperature period, (which is warmer than our current average), humans began building the first great civilizations. Yeah thats right, the hotter it is, the better we make the world
4. This part is gunna melt the roof off, (I deeply apologize ladies and gentlemen), the state and federal bills directed towards global warming, (that hopefully dont pass), would be imensely costly and would break state budgets entirely.
We as a country and a world have to realize that our Earth's temperature is not going to stay the same, it will fluctuate, and we will soldier on.
Rant Fest: Foreign Policy
Ok lets start this off by a quick demostration. Picture yourself living your normal life when all of a sudden these middle eastern troops start landing in America, they try to implement their views on government on you, they dictate your policies and if you dont comply then you are a terrorist. They can then wire your phone conversations, watch you on satillite, follow your every move. You as a citizen have your rights and you decide to fight back. You do whatever you can to fight off the invaders because that is what they are. It doesnt matter what doctrine they preach, they invaded your soverign country. They invaded your way of life. This is the everyday life of a middle easterner. The USA has literally invaded their country, and effectively invaded their culture, their way of life, and their privacy. There is a reason that Osama Bin Laden has declared war on America. He and They do not do it because they hate our way of life as you hear from the news and president. They do not hate us because we are free. THEY HATE US BECAUSE WE INVADED THEIR LIVES. This is reason you see muslims on tv throwing shoes at Bush. This is the reason they send death to america tapes to us. We are the invaders. We are the terrorists.
Salam Alaykum
Salam Alaykum
Rant Fest: Biggie Smalls
I am a metal head. I play the guitar very frequently, im in a rudamentary band, and I hate rap music. With one exception. Biggie Smalls. The only rap I havent instantly turned off or vomited upon hearing, is Biggie. His husky voice and his flow are just crazy good. You just have to respect anyone that can rhyme like he can. He is different from the modern rap which mostly consists of PUSSY Drugs Pussy drugs and more pussy. His rap is actual real stories of his thug lifestyle. Songs like Somebodys Got To Die tell of his friends being shot and his anger and retaliation. Other songs like Warning are about thugs trying to "stick him for his paper". Hands down he is the greatest MC of all time. In honor of him I decided to translate one of his raps into white-english. Here is the Rap, In kickass black rapping.
Who is this person who is paging me so early in the morning, its the crack of dawn, and im yawning, I whipe the sleep out of my eyes. Who might it be that is paging me and what do they want. Its my friend Pop from the barbershop. He told me he was at the casino and heard the intricate plot of some people who want to kill me, woah buddy please calm down so i can follow you. Ok, The people from brownsville that you used to gamble with and smoke marajuana with told me that you were going to be attack for your money by people who you used to rob people with, when you were only making small ammounts of money. They heard you were rich now and want to kill you for your money. Thanks for warning me, i have a mac, tell me what i am supposed to do. Chorus *Oh darn it, these guys want to kill me for my money* repeated 3 times.
Who the fuck is this?pagin me at 5:46 in the mornin crack a dawninnow I'm yawnin, wipe the cold out my eyesee who's this pagin me and why..It's my nigga Pop from the barbershoptold me he was in the gamblin spot and heard the intricate plotsome people wanna stick you like fly paper neighbourslow down love please chill drop the caperremember them kidz from the hill up in Brownsvillethat you rolled dice witsmoked the blunts and got nice wityeah my little Fame up in Prospectnah dem my people nah love wouldn't disrespectI didn't say dem,they schooled me to some niggasthat you knew from back when,when you was clockin minor figuresNow they heard you blowin up like nitroknow they wanna stick the knifethrough your windpipe slow..so thank Fame for warnin me now I'm warnin youyou got the mac Biggietell me what you wanna do...[CHORUS]Damn niggas wanna stick me for my papers
thanks for reading.
Who is this person who is paging me so early in the morning, its the crack of dawn, and im yawning, I whipe the sleep out of my eyes. Who might it be that is paging me and what do they want. Its my friend Pop from the barbershop. He told me he was at the casino and heard the intricate plot of some people who want to kill me, woah buddy please calm down so i can follow you. Ok, The people from brownsville that you used to gamble with and smoke marajuana with told me that you were going to be attack for your money by people who you used to rob people with, when you were only making small ammounts of money. They heard you were rich now and want to kill you for your money. Thanks for warning me, i have a mac, tell me what i am supposed to do. Chorus *Oh darn it, these guys want to kill me for my money* repeated 3 times.
Who the fuck is this?pagin me at 5:46 in the mornin crack a dawninnow I'm yawnin, wipe the cold out my eyesee who's this pagin me and why..It's my nigga Pop from the barbershoptold me he was in the gamblin spot and heard the intricate plotsome people wanna stick you like fly paper neighbourslow down love please chill drop the caperremember them kidz from the hill up in Brownsvillethat you rolled dice witsmoked the blunts and got nice wityeah my little Fame up in Prospectnah dem my people nah love wouldn't disrespectI didn't say dem,they schooled me to some niggasthat you knew from back when,when you was clockin minor figuresNow they heard you blowin up like nitroknow they wanna stick the knifethrough your windpipe slow..so thank Fame for warnin me now I'm warnin youyou got the mac Biggietell me what you wanna do...[CHORUS]Damn niggas wanna stick me for my papers
thanks for reading.
Rant Fest: Why The Federal Reserve Can Eat My
I have trouble concieving how a national bank is in any way beneficial to our society. Something few people realize is that because of this bank, money is debt, and debt is money. Let me first explain that the last time our country had no debt was in the Andrew Jackson presidency in early 19th century. Yes. That is a long time ago. 2 centurys since we had no debt, but why didnt we have any. Because Jackson destroyed the federal bank. So after his presidency, and the banks reinstatement, we began to slowly aquire debt until this very second you are reading this. Why do we have debt. Because the Government says they want x ammount of bonds from the reserve and then the reserve prints this money out at 10 times the actual rate. Which means that if the US got bonds for 1 million dollars, technically this just created 10 million. So we have 9 million more dollars in circulation. This sounds great doesnt it, YAY WE HAVE MORE MONEY!!! No, you dont have more money. Why? Its a little thing called interest. Lets go back in history one more time. The continental, the first us currency during the revolutionary war, we printed the shit out of it until it was literally worth more as tinder than money. The interest rates soared causing the VALUE of the continental to plummet. So what has changed between then and today. NOTHING. That is why you see the Euro soaring over the Dollar. Its because these boneheads think they can just throw more money at the problem. The value of the dollar goes down, the price of living goes up. And the real killer is that without any of this debt that we have, we would have no money in circulation. Thats right, debt is literally money, and money is literally debt. I hope this realization did not give you an aneurism.
RANT FEST, WHY I DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR TRUCK COMMERCIAL
OK. I have officially had enough of truck ads that claim they are more manly than other trucks. Screw that, noone gives a flying rats ass about your step to the cab addition. Get this, chevy claims that fords F-150 is "less manly" than their silverado because it has tech advances like heated steering wheel and seat and step up the to cab to make work easier. Ok. thats a cavemanish way of living life. Hey my hands will be freezing cold and I wont be able to get up onto the cab of my truck but HEY, Im more fucking manly than you. No, just no. Noone cares about how manly your truck is, except morons who have 10 cans of beer every afternoon. This is not worth my time while I watch football. Not at all. So take your manly truck and shove it right up your ass. Infact using their logic, I am more manly than their trucks. I dont have a step to my cab, I dont have a heating steering wheel, so guess what, im more manly than your truck.
Making Bets With Arabs and Crazy White Girls
Over my past few years at Kennedy High School I have been on the losing end of countless bets to a number of different people. One is an Egyptian imigrant by the name of "sandy". His betting is always based on luck, and last chance fortune. Our most recent bet was concerning the attendance of a person by the name of William. William is a well known absentee, and my bet was that he would not skip more than 1 day in a row, (in hopes that pure human decency would bring him to school). I was wrong. Twice. On the first day, I payed in cash 1 dollar to Abdullah. The next day, (being the 3rd consecutive day of his absense), I lost another 2 dollars. Being an unscrupulous bastard I paid said arab in dirty change from the darkest chasms of my car. This was no ordinary change, it was laced, tainted, with god knows what sticky liquid, crusted with crums, and I gave this to him in a bottle of pop, still sticky with sunkist. This change was bad. This change was wrong. This change is his.
On to my next story(s) of my betting with a woman by the name of Kajsa. Her betting prowess I can only attribute to pure, unadultered luck. Our bets usually intail me not showing up to school. I bet (having too much faith in myself) that I will attend every day of a term from some point till the end. I have not once won this bet. My grandmother, you see, she is sick, very ill, and to not take care of her would be a true crime. I "skip", as she so dastardly puts it, to take care of her, and I am subsequently charged for my "absense". On another occasion, I bet 10 dollars on which one of us could stay off AIM for the longest ammount of time. But this was no ordinary bet. This crazed lunatic, this heartless coward, decided to use another Instant messaging provider. Clearly the bet was against them all, but she, evil as she is, refused to acknowledge my arguements, collected my money.
The moral of this story, children, is not to bet with Arabs or Crazy white girls. This will only end in you being fishtailed, t-boned, whatever metaphore you want to use. Do not do this. Bet, instead, with old men, preferably overconfident grandpa's.
salam alaykum
On to my next story(s) of my betting with a woman by the name of Kajsa. Her betting prowess I can only attribute to pure, unadultered luck. Our bets usually intail me not showing up to school. I bet (having too much faith in myself) that I will attend every day of a term from some point till the end. I have not once won this bet. My grandmother, you see, she is sick, very ill, and to not take care of her would be a true crime. I "skip", as she so dastardly puts it, to take care of her, and I am subsequently charged for my "absense". On another occasion, I bet 10 dollars on which one of us could stay off AIM for the longest ammount of time. But this was no ordinary bet. This crazed lunatic, this heartless coward, decided to use another Instant messaging provider. Clearly the bet was against them all, but she, evil as she is, refused to acknowledge my arguements, collected my money.
The moral of this story, children, is not to bet with Arabs or Crazy white girls. This will only end in you being fishtailed, t-boned, whatever metaphore you want to use. Do not do this. Bet, instead, with old men, preferably overconfident grandpa's.
salam alaykum
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Metallica: The Best Band Ever
Metallica, hands down, no questions asked, the bust goddamn band ever. Why, they pioneered the thrash metal genre, and have the best albums ever, Master of Puppets, and Ride the Lightning, they will melt your face off. They go much farther than any run of the mill rock band or heavy rock, they take the music one step further. Every song has a heartpumping riff that just makes you go crazy, not just a bunch of powerchords meshed with a faggy singer. Kirk's solos are just crazy awesome, and every other metal band somehow copies his amazing solo work. Lars invented tons of the drum sequences that bands still use today, most noteably of which was the double drum pedal thousand mile per hour beat that metalcore bands rely on today. James' voice is quite possibly the most recognized in all of metal. Songs like Puppets and Ride the lightning, and One make metallica the best metal band ever. These songs came out 10 years ago, and im still playing my guitar trying to master their crazy awesome riffs.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
The Top 10 Movies Of All Time: Part 1
10. Saving Private Ryan: Without a doubt the most realistic world war 2 movie ever. The beginning scenes of Omaha Beach are the most incredibly raw and gut wrenching battle scenes I will ever see. Men being gunned down like dogs, and peoples guts being blown into oblivion is enough to make my sking crawl just thinking about it. This realism and raw filming of real events paired with the incredible acting by hanks and the flow of the story line easily puts this movie in my top 10 list. I would however caution any World War 2 veterans to not see this movie as the scenes are so horrific it could seriously disturb them.
9. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back: I would be very remissed if I didnt include a star wars movie on my top 10 list. You and everyone else you know has heard the phrase "Luke, I am your father." You and everyone you known has also fantasized about flying through space in the millenium falcon and slashing at people with your light saber. This movie is permenantly ingraned into our culture and there is no end to the references, parodies, and copys of this incredible timeless movie and series.
8. Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon: This movie is without question the best love story Ive been able to sit through in the theatre. It is a medly of classic kung fu movie action, an epic plot, and a a beautiful love story. These elements combine together to make a very entertaining movie, and one that could squeeze out a few tears. Chow Yun Fat plays his part perfectly. It seems as though he is just being himself in every scene. It is definately the movie he is best known for, and it was a sure career maker.
7. Psycho: Yes, here it is, the movie that began the horror flick genre. The first slasher, the first screamer, the first shower murder scene that bore all the others, Hitchcocks Psycho. Also the music in this movie is without question the most fitting to a movie ever. It will get your blood pumping very qucikly, not for the feint of heart. A young woman on the run from her past life chooses to stay at the off the road Bates Hotel. Little does she know the owner is a psychopathic murderer who dresses up like momma, and "shes" a little pissed Norman is into her. Let the bloodbath begin....literally.
Which movie will take the cake? Keep reading!
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