The Straight Edge Review

Past the deep concrete forest of Cedar Rapids, and through a maze of flood damaged buildings, lies a garage known as the Straight Edge. It is a haven for the local music scene to show up, plug in, and thrash out for a handful of hardcore metal fans. My friend, after years searching for a legitament band, finally found his metalcore calling with the local group "How Vivid The Memory". After only a week of practice they decided to play for the insane Straight Edge-goers. Against my better judgement, and will to survive I owed it to him to watch at least one show. I went into my closet, and chose the blackest clothing I could find and navigated my way through the stink hole of downtown to find the structure. After what seemed an eternity of rotting wood and paintballed stopsigns I finally found the alcove that hid the Straight Edge. Perhaps 10 cars were parked outside and I could see band members moving instruments and stacking boxes as I carefully made my way to the enterence. I looked into the garage and knew instantaniously that I would not leave without some kind of injury. The size of the Straight Edge was probably smaller than your garage at home. It was small, it was dank, and it was somehow kickass. It was like that hideout people always find in zombie movies, only music was our weapon. The first band romped onstage (the far corner of the small garage) and the 30 people packed like sardines began to cheer in unison. Noise ensued. Normally, what sound would have caused me to vomit, pumped me up. It was not a music-listener relationship, it was one of deisel fuel to a fire. Suddenly it became my life blood, my energy, instead of just audial noise. I jumped up in the air and shoved the people next to me in an endless mosh, and I didnt care about the pain in my ribs from the last engagement, it was only more fuel.

A Canticle For Cheapowitz: A Review Of The Dollar Menu

Here it is, the long awaited top 5 dollar menus in Cedar Rapids.



5. Burger King: A very simple dollar menu, a chicken and burger choice that are both acceptable to the poor mans budget, and fast ready. However, the smell of the whopper jr. is the most odiferous smell Imagine being served as food other than potato salad, and thats saying something. It stems mostly from the presence of pickles and mayonaise poured on by somone saying "say when" to hellen keller. Pickles, while on thinking about it, are nasty little buggers. They taste terrible, and come on everything. I propose a bill in the house that will make the induction of pickles to ones burgers on request only. This will save hours of my life from having to pick them off. The chicken is acceptable.



4. Mikkidees- This place is disgusting. Flat up, it makes me sick to go in here because of its nasty environment and the shere number of people that eat there. However, I do give them credit for revolutionizing the dollar menu with the first double cheese burger. No good toppings whatsoever, just a nasty, but still double, cheeseburger. Why are dollar menus good? Because it sacrifices taste for price and the ablility to fill you up. Mcdonalds has proved this with its nasty-ass food yet 100 billion orders served.

3. KFC-This joint get the #3 spot for 2 reasons. The 1 dollar snacker, which is quite possibly the most changable 1 dollar treat this earth has ever seen. It comes in buffalo, origional, crunchy, cheesy, and bbq. It by its very nature, is absolutely delicious. The next and final reason is the home fries they serve, which are very good. Thanks to the snacker we can finally have a decent dollar menu chicken order.

2. Arbys-pick 5 for 5.95. Techically not a dollar for every unit, but after tax, it is like 530, so get over it. Lets begin with the jamoca shake, which by its very nature is delicious, this is why this dollar menu warrents a spot at #4. Also in this menu we have the Arbys melt, which is not necessarily as good as a hamburger (because hamburgers kick ass), but in general is acceptable. 3 words, curley fries rock, the best 1 dollar fry out there for sure. Finally there is the potato cakes, and motzerella sticks order which are both very good and very bad for you.

1. Wendy's- There are a number of reasons why Wendy's has the best dollar menu, for 1, it broke the crap-price barrier that states for 1 dollar food must taste bad. Why does wendy's taste good? Tomatos. They come on everything, and it gives the place a sense of some cleanliness and a small hint of health. Lets attack all of their dollar menu selections 1 by 1. First are formost we have the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger, it comes with tomatos (yum), and bacon, 2 things never before seen on a dollar menu. Its delicious. Next we have the Double stack. This burger is the most beastly cheeseburger the world has ever seen on a dollar menu. It tackles hunger and the taste buds. Finally we have the crispy chicken sandwhich. Now dont get me wrong, its no snacker, but it gets the job done, far better than the McDonalds McChicken. Congrats to Wendys for the innovation of the dollar menu, and the breaking of the crap to price barrier.

A Brief Synopsis Of Air Travel

Recently my family and I went to Florida for our vacation, and of course this required air travel. We arrived at the airport at around 530 in the morning, and I was not in the mood for problems. However, due to Murphys Law and an 8 person crew, it was inavoidable. Bags took about 20 minutes to check in due to 4 women and their plethora of carry on and stow away bags.
After this borathon, we moved on to security. This was when I began to be annoyed. I was forced to take off my shoes and coat, because, obviously, I am a suspected terrorist with a blade in my shoe, and a grenade in my coat pocket. Next, my shaving cream, which, due to my extremely manly beard, was an absolute necsesity, was taken from because, "It is over 3 oz." I then proceded to walk through the metal detector 3 times, for my cell phone. my change, and my belt, consecutively. Finally, after a 1 hour layaway we boarded our flight from Cedar Rapids to Detroit.
To adaquately describe the size and smell of the aircraft, one must forcibly put ones head inside of a 10 year old boys shoe with foot fungus. Our stewardess was an anorixic 22 year old who was chewing bubble gum and contemplating over her ever stimulating people magazine. Fortunately we were off the plane in a reasonable time.
Our next task was hunting down food in a crowded airport. I carfully observed my surroundings and spotted a burger king, it had all the qualitys of teenage prey; cheap, full of "energy", and quick, and usually the prey is quite tasty. This particular animal however, was horrid. It was staffed by sweat drenched automatons who could barley count change, and could definately not cook a burger. I consumed the prey and moved on to my next challenge of survival; escape from hell. The layover at detroit was horrendous. I sat on a chair at my gate, and to my horror and disgust, there was a small problem. Before I disclose exactly what it was, I will first explain. At airports, there are alot of windows, doors, and ways into the building, and birds tend to find themselves going through them. They even have trees inside of the airport to accomodate them. The birds also have access to food, and the ones who dont die from consuming the Burger King, live to poop another day, which leads to me and my seat soaked in bird feces.

adieu

Hotel Review of Motel 6 Cedar Rapids

The Motel 6 in Cedar Rapids Iowa, off the hawkeye downs exit is a disgusting excuse for rentable space. The floors are stained with an alien liquid that I can only assume is vomit, or grandmas potato salad. The general smell of the entire complex is that of a racoon doused in its own urine. The staff of the hotel is nonexistant. The only person working at any given moment is the front desk manager, but to describe her personality I must first illustrate her work environment. The desk itself was a disgusting light blue, almost like a carnival childs vomit after too much cotton candy. The pamplet stack suggesting places to go in Cedar Rapids is a complete disgrace, filled only with directions to local movie theatres and all you can eat buffets. The wallpaper, god, the wallpaper, was a strange green color, almost like a mashed pea. You could have found more cheer in a graveyard. Now we get to the attendant. I normally do not care about the appearance of other people, because frankly, I dont care. But again, to adaquately describe her I must include her looks. Her hair had not been showered in days. It was if she put her head in an Arby's fryer. She sported a mustache of which I can not equal. Her teeth looked as though she took them out and soaked them in Mountain Dew all night. She smelled like ferrel cat with irritable bowel sydrome. Now onto the room. The bathroom to be exact. It was a horrifying experience to say the least. It was about the size of a box of matches, and the toilet was soaked in god knows who or whats urine. Remnants of someones last bowel movement was smeared on the side of the bowl, and the smell, god, the smell. Overall its rating is a 1/10. The one is only because there was a free porn channel.